Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Bittersweet

Today marks a very bittersweet day for me... it's the three month anniversary of my last communication with Hugh. Our official breakup.

And it hurts.
God, I loved that man. Love that man. That certainly hasn't changed even the tiniest bit over the past three months. I love him. So damn much. Still.

Always.

Sometimes I wish that instead of things ending the way they did, that we had gotten sick of each other. That we had a terrible fight. That we ended up hating each other.

But that's not what happened. We ended still loving each other deeply.

I have no reason to not still love him today as I did yesterday, and a year ago, and the year before that. He's an incredible man, my Hugh. Kind... so damn kind. Intelligent. Bitingly, wonderfully funny. Handsome as hell. And he got me in a way no man ever has... hell, no human, period. Hugh knows me. The good, the bad, the ugly... and he loved me because of it, in spite of it.
These days, it mostly doesn't hurt any longer. My thoughts of him are all smiles. And that's the bloody damn truth- I can't think of the man without a smile. His smile... the one that was only for him.

I remember all the laughter, all the love. The goofiness, the dorkiness, the sexiness. The long talks about nothing. Everything we shared.

I still can't look at our pictures or read our emails. That's... I'm just not ready for that. I hope someday I will be, but not yet. Every once in a while I stumble upon something by accident. A photo of the two of us together... It's like a punch in the gut.

But mostly, it's all smiles.
It kills me to have no contact with him. I've sent a few emails on special dates, short little blurbs, or a photo of something I know he'd like. Never a word back from him. I have no idea if he even still checks that email account. His last email told me he'd never contact me again, and it seems he truly meant it.

And that bothers me. I don't know how he is. If he's well, happy, loved. I know he's alive because I can see some things on social media, but none of that tells me how he is. That's hard. After two years of knowing all, then nothing.
I miss my friend. I miss him so much. Late at night, lying in my bed, thinking, wishing his arms were around me, holding me safe. I miss that constant awareness of his presence in my life. God, I miss just talking to him. About the weather, about politics, about all the nerdy, geeky stuff we loved. I miss having him as my sounding board, my voice of reason, my anchor.

I miss everything.
My Person. My Pooh Bear. Mine. His big goofy smile. There are a million things, a billion.

And most days it's completely bearable. The smile is there. But then there are days like today... the days when all I remember is the hole that's been left in my world without him. Tomorrow will be better, but today... Today I just miss him. And it hurts.

1 comment:

  1. love finds a way to remind you why love is love... hugs and much love to you beth .. your still an inspiration xx

    ReplyDelete

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