Sunday, March 20, 2016

Awakenings

First off, I need to clear up a little misconception after my last post.

I am most decidedly not wallowing in angst still over Hugh. It was a day... a day that was full of memories and, yes, I allowed myself to mourn a bit.

But I have moved on. It was a beautiful time in my life and he's always going to be loved by me. But I have moved on.
In moving on, I've learned some things. Some I've discussed to death... but some things are just now becoming clear to me.

I've been so damn determined that I wasn't going to replace Hugh that I lost sight of something.
I was determined that in order to not replace Hugh, I had to find someone very different from him. I purposely avoided entanglements with men who reminded me of him in any way.

How silly of me.
Those things I avoided, the traits and characteristics, even looks I associated with Hugh aren't things that were unique to him. They weren't things I was attracted to because Hugh possessed them.

They're things that I find attractive in anyone with those qualities. And by trying to avoid them, I was setting myself up to fail every single time.
Hell, I had flings with a couple of republicans. REPUBLICANS.

Let's face it... I may find a republican physically attractive, but I will never be able to have a relationship with one. Especially not in this election year when it's starting to become real that Trump is going to be their nominee.

Seriously, republicans... what the every-loving fuck?

Anyway, I could devote an entire post to my disgust at that, but that's not what this is about.
I don't like 'em. Never will. Don't know why I thought I could possibly date one.

That goes for other things, too. Things that I find attractive, things I don't. Personalities, sense of humor, personal convictions, intelligence.

These are all important things.
Why on earth did I ever think I could have a relationship with anyone who's beliefs are so diametrically opposed to mind?

I can't. And trying to avoid men who are similarly aligned to me was goofy as fuck.
So that's something that became clear to me last night.

Why? Because of this man I met.

Ohhh... I like him. I like him a lot. And yeah, I'm well aware I've said that a lot these last few months, but... and I may end up with egg on my face for saying this... there is just something there.
As we started talking over the past week or so, I've had several of those "oh... there he is" moments and they've taken me aback. It's familiar to me. It seems like we've known each other far longer than we have.

Oh dear.
I so hope I'm not getting ahead of myself. I'm trying to be calm and just let things happen as they come. But I'm not going to fight it, either. Because he does possess those qualities.

They are not Hugh qualities... they are the qualities of, well.. hmm... me, actually.

They're the characteristics and traits in myself that my id seeks in others.
Yeah, there's this guy.

And I smile when I think of him.

I get wet, too, and we all know how important that is to me.
Happy and aroused.

Who would fight against that?! Not me.

Lest you think I'm about to replicate something... this man has some other traits and characteristics that are new to me. Parts of his personality that are waking up some things inside me that have been mostly dormant for a few years.
And that's ridiculously exciting. Something inside me is waking up from being in hibernation.

And it's making me feel glorious. Something that has just been throbbing, aching beneath the surface is coming to life.
I don't know what tomorrow holds. But I'm excited for it. My entire self is quivering in anticipation. 

I feel... awakened. 

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