Saturday, February 13, 2016

The One

Still. One. Just one. Only one.
His name is Hugh, and he is still the only one I love. And, god, I miss him. I miss him so damn much.

It's just him.

Maybe it's because it's Valentine's Day weekend and my Valentine has flown the coop... I don't know. But it's come crashing in on me in vivid colors that he is still the one.

I want to move on. It's been nearly two months since we ended, officially. I feel like I should be ready to move on, though I know as well as anyone that you can't really put a time table on grief. It happens when it happens. In due time, I'm certain I'll be ready.

But not yet. I love him.
It doesn't hurt like it did. I'm not crying. I just miss him. My heart is still his, all his. And for right now, that's just the way it is. We were together for a long time, though it felt like just a minute, and we were happy. We were lucky. It was easy and comforting and safe and passionate and beautiful. We knew each other. We talked. We laughed and acted like idiots. We loved until we were breathless and sweaty and spent and talking gibberish to each other in a language all our own.

It was magical and it can't be replaced. I never want to replace him, and what he meant to me, and I couldn't even if I wanted to.
We had an extraordinary love. We were so blessed.

I have no idea what's happening in his life now. I've not heard a peep from him in two months. But I know this... I know that he loves me, too, still. Whatever is happening, wherever he is, I still feel that.

That connection we had isn't broken. We can't talk, can't see each other... can't have any contact at all. But it's still there. That love is still there.

I know it will fade... but not yet. It was too big, too strong and too all-encompassing.

And to those who've crossed my path in the past couple of months, I'm sorry I haven't been able to give my heart to you. It's not mine to give. Not yet.
I'm not looking right now. I was.. I admit it, I was. I was looking way the fuck before I was ready. But right now, for now, I'm just going to live my life. There may be some FWBs... I don't know. Right now, sex isn't really on my mind, not with anyone but Hugh.

When I close my eyes, it's him I see. When I dream at night, I'm sharing my dreams with him. When I think about love, I think about Hugh.

And no one else.

It's him. It's just him. Still.

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