Sunday, February 21, 2016

Love Whore

One of my very worst flaws is that I have a terrible habit of falling in love first, then asking questions later.

I just get such a rush when I meet someone and have a connection with them that I start babbling... and I say "I love you" way the fuck too soon.
I don't, of course. That's not really how love works. I know there are rare, magical occasions when you lay eyes on someone and believe you're in love, and then discover as you get to know that person that you really are in love with them.

That's luck. It's doesn't really happen that way very often.

Still... I've been known to be guilty of doing this. Not often... I mean, I haven't really left a long trail of men strewn throughout SL that I've blurted out "I love you" to after 10 minutes, but there are a couple.

And, boy, did one of them give me a piece of his mind last night!
When I say "I love you", I mean it. In that moment, it's the absolute, unvarnished truth. And there wasn't much I could say last night to make this man understand that.

He didn't believe me, and why should he? I said "I love you" and then took it back. And I was right to... as I got to know him better, I realized that I absolutely didn't love him, and wasn't going to. I didn't even like him.

And honestly, what made me not like him was the way he handled it when I first said I needed to slow down and he acted like we'd been together for years instead of a few days, and that I'd just killed his kitten.
I didn't say "I love you" then take it back 5 minutes later. I said I needed to slow down and figure out what was happening. I said I didn't know how I really felt, and I meant it. I wasn't sure at that point that I wasn't in love with him. It had just moved so damn fast, and it was Valentine's weekend and I was missing Hugh something awful, and I just wanted to be left alone for a couple of days so I could think.

And that made me the worst person ever.

No, it didn't... to him, maybe, but not to me. I'll admit, I didn't handle things well after that. He had laid so much guilt on my shoulders on top of the grief I was already feeling that I didn't want to see him, or talk to him at all. At that point I knew I didn't love him and wasn't going to.
It was then that I should have told him, but I didn't.

Because something really nice happened after last weekend. I reconnected with someone who has been there for me, as my friend and lover, since Hugh and I broke up. And I realized that this was someone I really did care about.

And I was kind of wallowing in that happiness. I didn't want to have a conversation with this other guy so I just kept avoiding it.
Last night, though, we both ended up at Teqi's. About a minute after I'd landed, he IMed me. And before I even had a chance to fully rez, much less answer him, I got the "You can't even say hi to me?"

Oh for fuck's sake. Fine, here we go. After exchanging pleasantries, I told him I was sorry that it wasn't going to work out between us.
He didn't like that very much. I let him have his say, and none of it was nice. There was no attempt on his part to understand me, or what I was coming out of, or going through. It was all about how I hurt him. How I lied.

I finally had enough... it takes quite a bit to make me angry, angry enough to lash out at someone, but his behavior was just too much. I told him to man up, and that he was acting like a teenager. Seriously, we were together for like three days. There is no earthly way he could have already been so head over heels in love with me that my walking away hurt him that badly.

I don't buy in to the stereotypes of how men and women should act when it comes to their emotions. I'm good with men expressing themselves and crying and showing all the feelings. 

But I'm also very much of the belief that sometimes you have to pull up your britches and get on with it... and that goes for both men and women. 
We all have to make decisions at times that hurt other people because we have to do things that are what's best for us. Jesus, Hugh made a decision that hurt me about as badly has I've ever been hurt, but I also know it was a decision he had to make, and it was the right one for him, and the fact that it hurt me was very unfortunate collateral damage. He didn't do what he did with the intention of causing me pain. 

It's part of life. We can't control what other people do, or what they feel. What we can do is control how we react to those things. We might not be able to control our emotions, but it's entirely up to us as to how we deal with them.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this, other than expressing my frustration at a grown ass adult who's only coping mechanism was to shit on me. 

And that's why I'm with the man I'm with right now. He didn't act that way when we sped headfirst into an intense relationship and I needed to slow it down. He manned the fuck up. And we've been getting to know each other. And now we've circled back around and realized, two months later, that we actually do like each other. A lot. Maybe even that big L word that I'm trying really hard to hold back.

Because the next time I say it, it's going to be right.

4 comments:

  1. I want to Thank you Beth. You sharing your raw Sl feelings and experiences is really beautiful. You being brave enough to share your sl through this blog has helped me navigate the waters of Sl relationships more than once.
    If you ever want to host a chat hour at Commune Utopia about relationships I know we would love to have you!

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    1. Thank you so much, Owl! I'm incredibly flattered and honored, but I'm not sure what I could bring to a chat! I'm just the same as everyone else floundering their way through SL relationships... I just keep a diary that I'm goofy enough of share with the world! ;-)

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    2. you inspire me to be better . beth . never loose that x

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