Tuesday, January 12, 2016

I am an Asshole.

Okay, so I know most of your saw the post that previously occupied this spot regarding my recent partnering. And I also know some of you have noticed it's now gone, along with all the photos of the two of us on Flickr.
I also know that there is little group of you rubbing your hands together in glee now that you've realized that brief partnering has already ended.

Some of you even took great pains to make certain that I knew what kind of a cretin I had hooked my wagon to. No, I don't Plurk. Yes, people who do sent "warnings" to me that included all your stories and all your Plurks.

And I don't have to explain myself, but I'm going to anyway in an effort to dispel any rumors that may be floating around that those stories and Plurks had any bearing on the decision that I made to step back a little bit and think long and hard about whether I wanted to be partnered to someone so quickly after my relationship with Hugh ended.

I don't give one hairy god damn if he is an alt, was an alt, will be an alt or has created elebenty quadrillion alts. I do not give one single fuck about things he did 6 or 7 or 8 years ago. And, yes, at least one of the Plurks that was forwarded to me was, in fact, proven through a 5 second Google search to be from six fucking years ago.

I don't even give a big stinky shit about his past relationships and what was said or done or what-the-fuck-ever.

Yes, I will admit that I went digging online because of all the stories that were sent to me. And what I found in the way of his SL past has nothing to do with why we're not together at the moment.

Hugh and I made two halves of a whole. We were nearly identical in our ideologies. Politics, religion, thoughts about damn near everything - we always agreed on them. And we were together for nearly two years - and in terms of SL, that's like, forever.

This gentleman, who I happen to think is pretty damn outstanding, and I have some pretty disparate ideas regarding some very personal beliefs. I am a big blasphemous heathen - he is not. Politically, I am so far to the left that family members have (lovingly) referred to me as militant on the subject of guns, abortion and socialism - He doesn't tilt to the blue side even a little.

These are giant sticking points with me, and though I fully support anyone having their own system of beliefs, I don't have to agree with them. And in my real life, I would never date someone who aligned themselves on sides so diametrically opposed to mine.

And I wanted so very badly to just pretend those differences didn't exist between me and him because I so desperately didn't want to be alone after Hugh.

I got so caught up in the romance and fun of it all that I didn't listen to the voice in my head telling me to slow down.

And now I'm an asshole because I didn't listen and I've hurt someone who very much didn't deserve it. He was willing to just overlook those differences and to not discuss them. I can't do that.

And that is a fault of mine, not his. I'm all for partisanship until it comes to my personal relationships - especially relationships of such an intimate nature.

The thing is, I really like this guy. He makes me laugh. He's sexy as hell. Though we have many different ideas and beliefs about a lot of things, sexually speaking, we're unbelievably compatible right down to our shared kinks. He's got a lot of qualities that I love. I don't know what the future holds for us - I might end up loving him, hating him or even being utterly ambivalent about him. It's just too soon to know. But I do know this - whatever I decide won't have one fucking thing to with his past and crap other people try to fill my head with.

And I'm not at all sure I don't want to be partners with him. What I do need to do, though, is take a step back and put a lot more thought into whether we can work or not before we go so far down the path that there's no turning back.

Because of my issues, not his. 

I am still reeling from losing Hugh. I love Hugh... just as much as I did yesterday and the day before and every day before that for the last two years. I'm devastated that I don't have him in my life anymore. I am grieving still, hard. And I feel like jumping into a relationship with a man when I still very much love someone else isn't fair to him - as well as cheapening the importance, the beauty, of my relationship with Hugh. I owe that beautiful love affair the proper time to mourn.

I owe it to myself.

I made myself a promise at the beginning of this new year... that this year would be about taking care of myself. 2015 was spent taking care of so many others in my life, and I don't regret any of it for one single second, but in 2016, I need to take care of me. I need to find my happiness... my joy... because I lost it. 2015 utterly demolished me and now I have to rebuild.

And so I'm being selfish... and as a result of that, I hurt someone who is very dear to me, and who didn't deserve it in spite of what his legion of detractors think.

And to those detractors, I'd like to say this: How dare you? How god damn dare you think you had any business sticking your noses into my life? We're not friends... you don't know me, yet you took great pains to weasel your way into something you know nothing about and try to destroy it. I already knew every fucking thing that you all felt the need to enlighten me about. I already knew.

And as for hurting him? What kind of twisted fucks are you to take such pleasure in trying to bring another human being down? It doesn't matter what he did, or didn't, do. This sick vendetta reflects only on you. Poorly on you. Relationships begin and end every day. People make horrible, terrible mistakes every single day. People get hurt, intentionally and unintentionally. And when you dwell on another person's faults and flaws and make such a concerted effort to trash another person's life, that makes YOU the sick one.

There are people in this world that I absolutely can't stand. Despise. Hate, even. But I don't make it my mission to destroy those people. I turn my back and move in the other direction. It doesn't make me feel good to cause pain to others - even if I think they very much deserve it. Living with hate isn't living with happiness.

Isn't there enough ugliness and hate in the world already without adding to it? Doesn't it feel better to look your enemy in the eye and say "I wish you well" and go on to live a happy and fulfilling life instead of letting yourself grow more and more bitter over the real or perceived wrongs you've decided people have rained down on you?

And, yes, I feel like an asshole right now for what I've done. I'm an asshole for hurting him. You know the difference between me and other assholes, though? I'm not proud of it. I'm embarrassed as all fuck by my rash behavior recently - both in jumping in before I was ready, and in how I've handled myself since I came to the glaring realization that I jumped in before I was ready. I wish I could turn back the clock and handle some things very differently. But I didn't, and now I have to live with that. I have to own it and come to terms with it. I'm not going to beat myself up about it forever, but I probably will for the next little while. I acted impetuously, I badly bungled my handling of things, I conducted myself poorly and without regard to the consequences of my actions. I'm ashamed of how I treated him. I do not expect, nor do I deserve, understanding or forgiveness. I spun out of control in my grief and I fucked up. He did not deserve to get caught up in the mess that is my heart right now.

Yes, I share a lot on this blog and a few times, like this, it's come back to bite me on the ass. It still pains me that I had to remove the posts about my brother's death because someone took information from them to find me in the real world. It saddens my soul that some people will take my words here and use them to hurt me, or to hurt someone I'm writing about.

It's sad that people can't look at others, even those who we only know as avatars, and see them as the imperfect human beings we all are.

It's just fucking sad.


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