Saturday, December 26, 2015

Not the Easiest Christmas Ever

But at least it's over, right?
2015 hasn't been the best year... my sweet father attempting suicide, losing Hugh, losing my best friend, the death of my brother. It's been a year of incredible loss for me.

I feel like I've had the absolute shit kicked out of me this year. And, yeah, I might be having a bit of a pity party right now. I think I'm due one.

Today was incredibly rough. I've never been a huge fan of Christmas as an adult... hell, even as a child, really. Being the youngest of eight, my childhood Christmases were full of hearing stories about these magical Christmases when all my siblings were younger... by the time I came around, they were all moving out on their own, starting their own families and their own traditions. It's also the time of year I associate with my oldest brother committing suicide. He didn't actually do it until February, but I remember the chain of events that started at Christmas... and it's my last memory of him. I was only 10, but it's etched on my soul forever. Oh, not to mention 3 out of 4 of my grandparents died in December.

As a non-Christian, or heathen if you grow up in Kentucky, I certainly don't celebrate the holiday as the birth of the son of God, since I don't believe that. And, let's be honest... Jesus, the man, wasn't born on December 25th anyway. Really, I'd just rather not have to be a part of the whole Christmas thing, but it's impossible. You simply cannot avoid it. From music on the radio, to every freaking ad, to all the events at work - and if you try to distance yourself from them, you get labeled as a stick-in-the-mud.

This year, even knowing it was going to be an especially hard one, I did try to summon up some Christmas cheer and participate. I did the Secret Santa at work. I went to my brother's house to celebrate the day (which is a whole nother bunch of angst I'm just going to leave alone for now). Hell, I even put up not just one, but TWO Christmas trees in SL. Hung stockings for me and Hugh... until I got dumped on my ass. Then his came down... and it was just sad.

I missed him today... a lot. Kept wanting to try to reach out to him... just to feel some connection, but there was none there. I hoped for a Merry Christmas email that never came, of course. It hurt. It still hurts.

And I feel badly for feeling so hurt and so blue... because I do have someone new in SL. And even that is causing me a bit of angst instead of the joy I should be feeling by having a new love. I want to be able to shake of my sadness over losing Hugh and just enjoy this amazing man who has dropped into my life. This incredibly wonderful man who understands that I'm still in love with Hugh, even though I'm also falling in love with him. And should I feel guilty for that? For falling in love with someone else when Hugh and I just ended?

Also, I can't share much about the new man because of previous drama in his last relationship. Even though they have broken up, and were broken up when we got together, just to stay out of the drama that is sure to follow we're keeping us secret. And that makes it feel like we're Doing Something Wrong when we absolutely aren't. Both of us should be free to move forward together, and there is a big part of me who's thinking to hell with the drama or repercussions and just let it all out, but... god, who wants to deal with the drama? Who has the energy for that? I don't, and I don't think he does, either.

I just want to put Hugh in a special place for very special, happy memories and be able to give myself, completely, to this new man as he deserves. I want that. I really, really do. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself... what Hugh and I had was beautiful and we were together for a very long time. We didn't end because of a fight, or because we fell out of love. We just couldn't be together anymore. I should cut myself some slack... I can't be expected to get over that, over him, in a week or two.

And I shouldn't feel bad about falling in love with someone else. It's fast, yes... but I fall in love fast. I always have... I always go all in. I've never been good at holding back my heart.

Yes, I'm ready for 2015 to be over. I'm proud of myself for still standing at the end of this really horrible year. I've wanted to crumple up into a little ball of sorrow and just cease to exist many times... but I'm still here. I want a fresh start, a fresh year, to make things better - for myself and for those around me that I love.

I'm tired of being tired... of being blue. I need some things to change. I want my joy back, damn it.

I'm ready for 2016.

1 comment:

  1. Your happiness with your new guy is deserved; it's natural that you're gonna be feeling loss and sorrow over Hugh, especially at such an emotional and stressful time of year, so I don't think you should beat yourself up one iota. I think you should stand tall, be Beth, and claim and enjoy every ounce of happiness that you can when it's there to be enjoyed. Mourn for Hugh, but never let that get in the way of feeling all the wonderful feelings that you can with others. Live and enjoy.

    Happy new year, Beth! Looking forward to seeing more of you and your tits! :)

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