Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Bare Fingers

Well, the email finally came tonight.
The one I've been expecting for a couple months now.

The one I hoped would never actually come.

The last email from Hugh. The one where he said it was really and truly over and we wouldn't speak again.


I can't say I was surprised... but I still wasn't prepared.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm supposed to be doing. I read the email twice, cried twice. There have already been so many tears these past couple of months. I don't want to cry anymore, even at this finality.

I immediately jumped on my computer and started erasing all traces of him... hid the emails, the photos. I know not to delete them. Someday the pain won't be so bad and I'll be able to look at them again.

Logged into SL. Took down all the photos, sent Opus (his horse) back to him. Took him off my profile. And the final two, utterly devastating things... I removed his rings from my fingers, and I defriended him.

Shit, I'm crying again.

I once thought I'd leave SL when Hugh and I ended, but I'm not going to. I need it.

I'm angry. He got to say his final words to me... I didn't get to say mine to him. I didn't get to say goodbye. I gave him nearly two years and I didn't even get to say goodbye.

I hate her. His wife. I'm told she harbors no ill will towards me. Oh, but god, I hate her right now. I know that it's anger and I don't really hate her... can't blame her... but god, I hate her right now. And I DO blame her. You fucking cold bitch. If you didn't want your husband to cheat, you should have been down on your knees sucking his dick. Fuck you. I know you read this blog. So fuck you. Fuck you for what you took from me, from him. Fuck you for being a shitty wife. And from how it sounds, you don't plan on doing a god damn thing to be a better wife now. You're just going to keep being a frigid bitch and make him miserable. Fuck you.

You win. You have everything. I have nothing. Congratulations... and fuck you.

What's next for Beth Macbain? I don't know. I will always love him, but I know I won't always be in love with him. Right now I want to punch him in the nuts. Fuck you, too, for being her doormat. You deserve better.

That's all I have tonight. I'm sure there'll be more as it sinks in... that I will never have another conversation with him.

But right now... it's just pain and anger. A lot of anger.


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