Saturday, October 17, 2015

Not Broken - Just Bent

So... I've been going through a pretty rough time lately.

If you're a regular reader, you know I struggle with depression. It's mostly almost entirely under control with medication, but lately I've really been having troubles.
There are things happening in my life that I can't control. I know this is mostly situational depression, but it still sucks.

First and foremost, of course, are the issues Hugh and I are dealing with. There is still no solution, no remedy, nothing. And it's wearing on my soul.
God, I miss him. I miss what we had. Just being able to be there for each other... to make each laugh, to love, to comfort. I miss it so much. I miss him so much.
But even beyond that, it just seems there are problems popping up all over the place. We had a health scare with Dad that put him in the hospital for a couple of days, things are rough at work with some people that are causing a lot of negativity, I'm having a bit of money trouble, one of my beloved kitties is really showing her age and declining. My hard drive got fried. My brother's birthday is just around the corner.
And the season is changing from summer to fall and everywhere I look, things are dying. The colors of the falling leaves may be beautiful, but they're still dying. And the air is chilled.

Everything just feels very bleak at the moment.
I've taken some time off work to try to get myself centered again. Just a week, but still... I have 10 days to pull my shit together.

I'm working on it. I'm trying so hard to focus on the good things in my life. And there is plenty. Hugh loves me, even if we can't be together. I have family and friends that aren't going to let me end up on the street. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, and my sweet old cat isn't in any pain. I love my job and what I do. My father is the healthiest 86 year old around.

My computer is fixed, though it cost an arm and a leg.
And fall leads to winter which leads to spring, and a rebirth. I just have to hang on.

I just have to hang on.

I'll be really honest... I didn't realize I was suffering from a pretty severe bout depression. I knew I was anxious and irritable, but it wasn't until I was lying in bed the other night and realized I was thinking about ways to die that I realized just how deeply in the black hole I was.
But I'm aware now, and that's half the battle. For the most part, I'm feeling okay... it's just when it's late at night and I'm all alone with my thoughts. That's when the monster starts speaking to me, telling me things are hopeless and futile and there's no reason to keep fighting.
But I know the monster is wrong. I'm not broken - just bent. I'm stronger than the monster of depression and I'll come out on top. I'll beat it. I always do.

But the struggle is hard. It's so hard.

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