Friday, September 25, 2015

Karmic Justice?

I am an unbeliever. 

Mostly.

I do not believe in any sort of god, or afterlife, or karma, or divine intervention or anything. 

Until something shitty happens to someone I love and then suddenly I believe that every wrong thing I've ever done is coming back to bite me on the ass and teach me a lesson.

Today was one of those days. My beloved dad is in the hospital. I've been there with him since about 7 o'clock this morning. He's fine, or he will be, but still... he's being kept overnight and it's scary and awful and totally unfair to him because he's a great man.

And I feel like it's all my fault that he's in the hospital tonight. Because of choices I've made, things I've done... karma is biting me in the ass and it's taking it out on my papa. 

Of course that's ridiculous. That's not the way the universe works, right? This is just a coincidence. 

Isn't it? Or am I being punished by... something... in the worst way- by making someone I love sick? 

Is it a wake up call? Have I been put on notice by the Powers That Be that I need to clean my act up and start acting right? 

Shit's hard. Life is hard. Making the right choices is hard. Being a good person is hard and I think I've clearly somehow failed because Bad Things are Happening. 

Or is it just a guilty conscience making me think that the universe is out to get me all the sudden? My mind is making connections that aren't there. A + Toast =/= Carp. Or does it?

Or maybe I'm just exhausted and grouchy and worried and sore from the plastic hospital chairs and being goofy as fuck.

I don't know. I don't have any answers for anything right now and that bothers me. Someone at work yesterday accidently broke a Winnie the Pooh figurine. 

And Hugh is my Pooh Bear and it freaked me out because of all the things to accidently break, why Pooh? And now Dad is in the hospital. 

Hey, universe, I need some fucking answers here. Just a tiny bit of clarity and guidance, please. 

And leave my loved ones alone, damn it. 

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