Saturday, September 5, 2015

It's a Love Story...

And the final chapter hasn't been written yet.

Several years ago in the immediate aftermath of my mother's death, my beloved sister-in-law told me a little secret. She'd lost her mother several years before so she'd already been in the place where I was at that moment and she imparted some words of wisdom to me that have stuck with me.
Floating, floating, floating... a familiar site...
If a girl can survive losing her mother, she can survive anything.

And I will survive this. I will.

And I'm not even sure what "this" is yet.

I'm moving through the stages of grief... because something has died. What we had, what we were, is forever changed. There's no going back.
Who's shore have I washed up on?
And that's just a fact I have to learn to live with.

I have choices to make, decisions to work my way through. Some of those decisions I can make with him- many I'm going to have to trudge through on my own.

Does he love me? Yes, that's not even in question, nor is my love for him.

It would be really easy right now for me to say I'd sacrifice anything, everything, to keep what we have alive in some form or fashion.
I'm here.
I need to examine that, though. Really look at that really hard. How much am I willing to sacrifice? Would I give up Second Life? Let go of Beth Macbain? That's our world, where we live, where we've loved. The last year and a half has been spent building a life with him. A second life, yes, but still a life.

What do I do in SL if he isn't there?

I shop, of course. But... who am I dressing myself up for if not for him? The pretty lingerie? The hair, the makeup, the shoes? Yes, I like looking good for me, but it's always been with an eye towards seducing my man.
I can break out... I will break out...
We have/had this huge passion for each other, and our way of expressing that passion has been through Second Life. It's enabled us to "touch" each other. The words have always been more important than the visual, though.

How do I express that passion for a man who is now unable to give that back? His ability to reciprocate is no longer there, even though he may still be feeling it, he can't show it.

What does that mean for me?

And how selfish am I for even thinking of myself right now? I still have all my outlets of expression- he doesn't.

One thing we both definitely agree on right now is that this sucks. This sucks beyond measure. It was only a week ago when life was perfect and dreamy and we were solid as rocks.
Look, baby!
How fast things can change! And not because either of us feels any differently about the other. Outside forces converged on us and we have no control. That's a fucking scary feeling right there. Not having any control.

I'm so not used to that. I am a strong, independent woman who takes care of herself, and has been for years. And my hands are tied. There is nothing I can do to change the situation I'm in.

I suppose what I can control is how I deal with it. There are just so many unknown factors right now. Nothing can be rushed... a lot of this is going to have to deal with the passage of time.

tick tock, tick tock

Time heals all wounds, they say. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Or is it out of sight, out of mind? Will we stop loving each other? No. We're too important to each other for us to ever not love.

But there is love, and then there is being in love. Will we fall out of love?
It's still here.
I don't know. I just don't know.

I can still be there for him in whatever way he needs me to be. But he can't be there for me in the same way, whether he wants to or not.

And that's where I have those choices, decisions to make. And I can't make them haphazardly. I can't go with my gut or first instincts. I'm not used to that- not being able to make a decision and just go with it.

tick tock, tick tock

I expect I'll be blogging a lot more. This has always been my way of straightening out the mess in my brain, and there is a HUGE mess in there right now. So many unknowns, so many knots to untangle.

With all this happening, it's become very clear to me how much I've isolated myself in SL. We've isolated ourselves... because we were happy in our isolation. We had each other. What else did we need?

I don't want to live off my memories. I want to create more. I wasn't ready for this. It just came out of nowhere and leveled me. I've had no time to adjust, to prepare myself.
Hasn't gone anywhere...
I know I'll survive. I'm broken down right now, but I'm strong. There will be plenty of drama and tears and angst in the days, weeks, months ahead, of that I'm sure. But I also know I'll come out okay on the other side.

What that's going to look like I have no way of knowing right now.

I can feel the bricks slowly falling into place... the walls of protection being built up around me, whether I want them there or not. On one hand, I'm glad they're there. I'm glad my self-protection instincts are kicking in. On the other hand, I don't want to wall myself into a place where I become untouchable. Feelings, good or bad, are important. Numbness is scary. I want to feel everything, and I want to keep myself open to whatever lies beyond the horizon.

See, I've loved loving him. Having a man who could accept and cherish all I had to give him. And, god, he gave it back to me! How joyous every single day has been, being able to pour all I have to give into him, knowing I made him smile, knowing I made him feel all the love and protection I had to offer him.

I have so much of it inside me... how do I not let it out? How do I not keep pouring all my love into this wonderful, funny, intelligent, deserving man? I might explode if I have to try to keep it all inside me.

This is life. This is living. For me, it's how I live. I love.

I love him.
This is still here. I'm still here. We're still here.
And I'm tired of crying over the spilt milk that is our relationship right now. I want to fix things. I want to find the solutions to make this all bearable.

Because it's worth it, right? A love like we have doesn't come along just every day. It has value, deep intrinsic value. It's not something to just be tossed aside without a thought, without a care... without a fight.

It's the unknowns... and there are so many of them right now. And they will only become knowns through the passage of time.

tick tock, tick tock

Patience is a virtue I've never had. So, hey, I've got that to work on, right? Teaching myself to sit on my hands, that everything doesn't need to be consumed all at once. Sit back, breathe, take a sip of water, breathe. Don't rush. Haste makes waste. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

I can do this. It's not the first time I've faced adversity. I can do this. I can.

And I will.

He's worth it. I'm worth it.

We're worth it.

I'm going to keep reminding myself of that fact.

And you can bet your sweet ass I'll keep reminding him of that, too.
This is my "come at me, bro" pose. Because I'm ready. I can take it. I'm strong. You're strong. We're strong.

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