Friday, July 31, 2015

What the What?

Do you ever just get the feeling that something is wrong?

Something that you can't quite put your finger on, but something just feels off?
I'm feeling that way right now. Like something rotten is just over the horizon, approaching fast. All signs point to some sort of crash and burn... but what?
I think I might know, but I hope I'm wrong. Because shit feels pretty sucky right now. It's not been a great week, real-world wise.

Nothing tragic, nothing earth-shattering... just ick all over the place. The work week went on forever, even though I was out of the office a good portion of it, shuttling my dad to a variety of doctor's appointments. And all of them went very well. He's healthy as a horse for an 86 year old.
And the work week ended well, too. It ended early, which is always a nice surprise from the boss on a Friday afternoon. And this morning I got a stellar annual review. Oh, and there's a raise coming soon, too.

We have a beautiful new baby in the family, and she's plump and healthy, as is Mom. My best friend is going through some pretty good stuff.  
So what is it? What's wrong? I don't know.

PMS, for certain. And maybe that's all it is. I hope that's all it is.

Oh, there was this one thing... I completed my bucket list. And I don't have a bucket list.
At least, I've never actually compiled one. I just don't have a lot of things I feel I need to accomplish, or things I want to do.

But there was this one thing... something I've been waiting to do for years and couldn't do until I was 45. And I did it Monday night. Something goofy, but it was terrifying and instead of feeling I'd accomplished something, I just felt... meh. And realized that this one thing I wanted to do was done.

So what next? I'm 45 and I've done all I want to do?
Perhaps I just need a good night's sleep. Gotta shake these feelings. Probably should have blogged earlier, as it always makes me feel better to just write something, anything, but the urge just hasn't been there.
Dread. I feel an impending sense of dread. And very lonely. No one around to share my malaise with, not that I like to dump my blahs on other people, but it's been a lonely week.
That's the way things go, I suppose. I know I've angered a couple of people this week. Even my sweet papa... he actually got mad and hung up on me yesterday. That one really upset me. He hasn't been angry at me in a very, very long time. It hurt. And he, and we, were fine a few minutes later. He was frustrated about something completely unrelated and I was unable to jump up and take care of it as quickly as he'd have liked me to.
I hated to disappoint him. It made me feel like a bad daughter. And it made me cry.
There were tears a few times this week. Because in spite of the fact that, really, everything was just fine, I kept getting overwhelmed with stuff. Just stuff. Nothing of consequence.
And maybe that's it. No, they weren't important things in the grand scheme, but in that moment, those moments, they were matters of great consequence to me.

But it felt like I was giving and giving and giving... and you don't give with the expectation of getting something in return, but I felt that I wasn't important. My things weren't important to anyone but me, in the midst of making everyone else's things also important to me.

Sometimes I get tired of always putting others first, and not having anyone put me first. Family, friends, coworkers... I don't think I've had a single person ask me how I am this week.

That's a lonely and helpless feeling. At the end of the day, when everyone else is with their loved ones... I'm alone. I'm used to that... being alone. It's the life I've chosen, but I rarely feel alone and lonely.

I feel alone and lonely.

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