Sunday, March 22, 2015

Life

It's been a while since I posted anything so I thought I'd give you all a little update on where my life is right now.
I don't really want to belabor the details, but I'll give an overview of my world right now. Real world, that is.

Along with a few photos of my delicious date last night with my fella. :-)
Dad is doing well. He's comfortably ensconced in the assisted living facility. It's definitely a huge change for him, going from a large 2 bedroom, 2 bath apartment to one room. Through lots of trial and error, though, we've got it looking very homey and nice. It's really quite lovely... very cozy. I know it's a huge adjustment for him, but he's making friends and settling in. It is not a nursing home... he still has to take care of himself. All they really do is cook for him, come in a clean once a week and change his linens. Hell, sounds pretty good to me!

As for the effects of his suicide attempt... he's on an antidepressant and seeing a psychiatrist and is in a much better place, emotion-wise.
Things have gone way downhill with my brother and his cancer, though. It has spread to his ribs and now the pain has become almost unmanageable. He's in the hospital right now and has made the decision to discontinue treatment.

It's time. The balance in his quality of life has shifted. He fought the good fight but he's ready to let go and we support that decision. His care has been released to hospice and he will be going back to spend whatever time he has left with my sister once they have his pain regimen under control.
There was a very large family fight last week and the family has sort of split into factions surrounding my sister. Several of us have come to the conclusion that after this is all over, our sister is no longer part of our family.

That sounds cold, I know, but there are a million reasons this is happening and all of them are due to her behavior. I know family is family, but for me that isn't defined by DNA. As far as I'm concerned, she is no longer family and I'm at peace with that.
I'm in sort of a weird place with my brother, though. I haven't been to see him... and I don't want to. He's so much older than me and we've never been especially close. I love him very, very much but I don't want to see him like this. I'm struggling with it, though. Part of me says I should be there, but another part of me knows it would be very uncomfortable and awkward for both of us, especially with my sister there.
I also don't want to remember him like this.

My mother was an amazing, vibrant woman and in her last couple of months, that all went away. My last memory of her is of her face in death and that haunts me. It's very, very selfish of me but I don't want my last memory of my brother to be that same face.

I'm not sure how I'm going to end up dealing with this. We had to get my dad's old place cleaned out this weekend so that's given me a brief respite in having to make this decision as I had to focus on getting that done.
I'm taking today for myself. I very badly need a day that is All About Beth and then tomorrow I'll pull myself up by my bra straps and do what needs to be done.

As hard as it will be, and as uncertain as I am right now, I'll end up putting my own discomfort aside to be with my brother. I just need to get myself mentally prepared for that.
And I know I can do that... because this amazing man in these photos with me believes in me, in my strength. And with him reminding me that I can handle anything that gets thrown at me, I will be able to.

I'm surrounded by loving support from all sides. Most of my family, my incredible best friend, my coworkers... and my darling beloved Hugh. My safe harbor in the storm.
So that's all there is to tell in this particular chapter in the Life of Beth. It's been difficult, but I'm still standing. And will continue to, because in spite of all the difficulties, life is pretty fucking good.

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