Sunday, January 18, 2015

I'm Six Years Old Today!

Well, Beth Macbain is six years old in Second Life today anyway...

It would have passed unnoticed if I hadn't received an email from the Avatar Social Network letting me know.

This seems to be as good a time as any to do a little reflection.

What is my Second Life? What has it become? How have I changed in the last six years?
I was going to post my story here... the story of Beth Macbain and her evolution, but I don't really think that's interesting to anyone but me, and I already know the story.

I want to look at what Second Life is for me now.

We all come to Second Life for an infinite variety of reasons. The reasons are as unique as we are, and it's not for us to judge anyone for what they're here for and who they choose to be. I don't understand some of those reasons, but that's okay. I don't need to.

I just need to know me, and my reasons.

And for the past year, that reason is Hugh.

My rez day is coincidentally almost coinciding with our one year anniversary. We first met on January 20, 2014. And what a year it's been! We have both evolved so much, and continue to, together and separately in Second Life.

And though the vast majority of our time inworld is spent together, it's important for both of us to remember that Second Life is merely a fraction of our individual realities. It's a small slice of time taken out of our real worlds.
And it's amazing. It's a beautiful and precious slice, but still a small one in the grand scheme of things.

Are we lost in each other? No. Maybe. Is there room for other people in our second lives? Yes. But when it comes right down to it, we never have more fun than when we're with each other. I make no apologies for that.

As I said, Second Life is different for everyone. Some are here as gamers, some are business people. Some are furries, some are builders and scripters, some are anthromorphs, some are strippers and escorts, some are Mr. and Mrs. Jones, with a white picket fence and children and cousins and siblings and Moms and Dads.

And though I may not understand why they choose to be what they are, and spend their time inworld doing what they do, I respect them and their choices.

And all I ask of others is that they do the same for me. And for Hugh.

And the choices we make both separately and together.
We don't actually get to spend all that much time together, though it may seem like we do. We grab our time when we can. It's the choice we've made... to be together when the opportunity arises.

It's not for everyone, and that's fine... it's for us. It's what we want... and really, when you start living your second life according to what others want from you, and who they want you to be, what's the point of even being here?

I have real world responsibilities... I'm indebted to others. It's part of life. I work, I pay bills, I make time for my family and my friends. And within that framework of responsibilities, I've made time for myself, to be the person I want to be.

Part of that me time is Second Life. Not all of it, not by a long shot. But since that's the little slice we're talking about here, that's where I'm focusing right now. My Second Life time is mine... I refuse to spend that time doing anything other than what I want to do.
Often times, I prefer being alone. I love to shop, and just putter around my house. I love taking photos. As introverted as I am in the real world, I am in Second Life, too. I abhor drama and anytime you venture out and spread your circle, drama becomes inherent.

I do not want that in my second life. I just don't. It made me leave for over a year, and even when I came back, with my first couple of boyfriends before Hugh, it was a constant. Both of those relationships were fraught with angst. Even after I met Hugh, when I was seeing Mick, too, it was heavy and dramatic and angsty and just... ugh.
In the past year, the greatest gift Hugh has given me is the gift of peace... the peace that surrounds him, that he's enveloped me in. Our relationship is easy... our love is easy. It's natural... we've grown closer together every day in our little world we've created. We have fun. We're dorks. We laugh. I'm free with him... free to be myself, as he is with me.

Maybe we do cocoon ourselves when we're online together. We have this small slice that's just for us. We both have friends, acquaintances, hobbies, but when it comes down to it, our time together is paramount to us. And as such, this little world of ours has become something unexplainable to other people.

And it makes me happy.

And I believe it makes him happy.
And those two little things... my happiness and his happiness... are the most important things to me.

And after six years of living, and growing, and searching... I'm exactly where I want to be.

It's not a place I ever imagined I needed or would find. It's even unexplainable to me sometimes. I don't know how it happened... all I know is that it did, and I have peace. I have joy.

I never, ever log onto Second Life with a feeling of dread... If I don't feel like logging in, I don't. Because it has to be fun.

And it is fun. Shopping is fun. Dancing is fun. Photography is fun. Music is fun. Venturing out and meeting people and talking with my friends is fun... even if those people are sometimes held at arm's length. And I confess I do that. Because though I have many interests, I have one single priority and that is my amazing love... my fun love.
I simply don't have the will, or the energy, for anything that becomes a drain on me... To me, it defeats the purpose of being in Second Life. And though I understand that people have things that happen... things they need a friend for, I'm not going to spread myself thin in an attempt to keep everyone happy, all the time. It's not my responsibility... I'm sorry, it just isn't. There is one person who I strive to make happy, other than myself, of course. And that isn't something that is a drain on me... it isn't even something I have to work at... it's natural. It feeds my own happiness. My pleasure is his, as his is mine. 

And it's fun. Sailing with him is fun, dancing with him is fun, sex with him is fun... and just talking, sharing our stories and our lives is fun. 

It isn't that I'm not concerned with the happiness of others... I am. Hell, I want every single person on the planet to be happy. But as much as I want it for everyone, I can't be responsible for it. I tried for years to do that in the real world... and god, it's a heavy burden. In doing that, in always placing others before myself, I found nothing but misery. I didn't know my own identity because for all my life, it was wrapped up in others. And (with the help of my little happy pill) I came out on top of all that. I learned balance. I am kind... I try to do good, to be good. But I also make sure that I'm keeping myself happy, too.  I'm seeking that balance in Second Life... but I am, admittedly, far more selfish in Second Life than I am in the real world.

Because this is my Second Life. And it's taken me six years to get here. I don't know what the next years hold... I don't even know what tomorrow holds. Or hell, even later this afternoon!

But it's mine... and I choose to share every bit of it with one person. I share bits and pieces with many, many others, but he gets all of it. 

And that's just the way it is. And it's ideal. For me, it's ideal. And isn't that what our second lives should be?

I like who I am. It's taken me 45 years to get here... six years of that as Beth Macbain in Second Life, but that line between who I am in both worlds with very, very blurred. Beth is Beth. 

And I like Beth. I love Beth. And sometimes being Beth involves a bit of selfishness and I've earned that. I never, ever set out with the intention of hurting anyone, ever. But sometimes that's a consequence of that little bit of selfishness I embrace. 

But, god, I deserve that selfishness... after so many years of being so utterly selfless to the point it damn near killed me, I deserve it. Beth Macbain is that outlet... it's this tiny little slice of my universe that is all mine. And I have selfishly chosen to share that slice completely with Hugh. This tiny little snippet of time... for however long I live on planet Earth, Second Life is just a piece... a small piece, and a wonderful, wondrous piece. 

I deserve that, damn it. It the balance of the seconds of my life, the minutes, days, weeks and years, I deserve this tiny piece to bring me joy. I'm 45 years old. Beth Macbain is six years old. Of that six years, the actual hours I've spent inworld are a tiny fraction of that six years.

And I won't live that tiny fraction being beholden to anyone other than Hugh. Because it makes me happy. This tiny fraction of my life that I've reserved just for me... if there isn't room for what anyone else needs from me, so be it. This tiny fraction is mine, and it's Hugh's. It's ours.

So be it.

Happy Rez Day to me. :-)))

3 comments:

  1. Delayed, but... Happy rez day!

    I know at least I understand why you're living in that little world... of peace and love. Even if I didn't understand, it's your choice, period. But... I'm glad to understand, why. And I wish you, the two of you, many more years of that :-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I've just downloaded iStripper, and now I can watch the hottest virtual strippers on my desktop.

    ReplyDelete

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