Saturday, June 28, 2014

Having A Lonely Day

I hate when things happen that are beyond my control.
It just makes me crazy... that feeling of spinning. Spinning, spinning, spinning and things are happening around me and there's nothing I can do to stop, or make things stop.

You see, today we found out that my brother has cancer. Completely out of the blue... it was supposed to be congestive heart failure, which is bad enough. NOT cancer.

But it seems that it's cancer. It never crossed my mind as a possibility.

Cancer.

Cancer took my mom. That was supposed to be appendicitis and ended up being stage 4 colon cancer.

Here we go again... cancer, cancer, cancer.

We don't know what kind it is yet, or what stage. All we know is the doctor who found it said it looks bad.

It's cancer... it's cancer... it's cancer...

Could be lung, liver or colon.

Won't know for a few more days.

And I can't make it stop.

My brother needs me and all I want to do is hide. Curl up in a ball and pretend I somehow missed the message. If I ignore it, it's not real.

Except it is.

And it's beyond my control. Because it's cancer.

Fuck cancer.

God damn it all.

Friday, June 20, 2014

I Love Gacha Machines!

Or however you want to spell them. I came late to the game on gachas... there were some around when I came back to SL, but I didn't pay a lot of attention to them until fairly recently.
I love to ride my bicycle... courtesy of a  Gacha
I love them.

There, I said it.

I've been seeing a lot of complaints about them lately... people fussing about how unfair they are.

Oh, boo hoo. Suck it up, buttercup.

You know what else I love? Slot machines.

Are they are giant rip-off? Of course they are. Just like gacha machines. They aren't designed to give you a good ROI. The casinos are in business to make money, just like the content creators in SL.

At least with gacha machines, you're guaranteed to get something.
A bit of light reading... courtesy of a Gacha
I love playing slots... and I love playing gachas. I look at them the same way. It's a game of chance.

I have spent thousands of lindens on gachas... Yes, I've gotten frustrated once or twice when I can't get that one item I want. But that's on me.

The money I spend in SL comes out of my entertainment budget. I get pleasure from Second Life. My home, my avatar, my clothes, my animals... none of it is worth anything in the real world. It's just entertainment.

And if you're getting butt-hurt by feeling you're getting ripped off by anything in SL... I kind of think that's just silly. If someone hacks your account and steals all your lindens, that's one thing. But when you willingly put money into something in SL- and lindens are real money- that's the chance you take.

I've gotten crap merchandise from all sorts of places, certainly not just gacha machines. I've bought stuff in shops and on the MP that have turned out to be total shit.

Lesson learned. I don't buy from those creators anymore.
Look at this silly fucking thing. I fucking love it. Courtesy of a Gacha. Rare, but I wanted it.
You know... you know... when you're playing a gacha machine, it's a game of chance. Don't like it? Don't play. It's simple. And if enough people don't like it and don't play, they'll fade away.

Would you go into a casino and demand they set the machines to your liking? Well, you could try but you'd be laughed out the front door.

The creators are taking a chance, too, with their machines. As I understand it, they can set the odds for their rares however they want. It's on their shoulders how many rares they want people to win. Rare is supposed to be rare. That's the damn point.

And, yes, I'm snobby enough to want it to stay that way. I like having things not many other people have. And I'm willing to spend the lindens it takes to get those if it's something I really want and I like knowing not many other people will have them.

Because it's fucking rare, you silly shits!

And when I get a rare item, I don't freaking want you to have it, too... because it's fucking rare.

Having said all this, though... I do think that the machines should display how their odds are set. Slot machines do... or they at least show what their payback percentage is set at.
One of my favorite things in SL... my rare unicycle. Cost a fortune in the long run, but I don't give a shit. I love it.
That's only fair... we take the chance on playing a game of odds, but we should also be able to know what those odds are before we start throwing our money in.

The Arcade could really make a difference there, I think. If they required all the vendors to display their odds, then I believe this trend would start spreading. And if someone chooses not to display those odds, don't play. They're hiding something.

I've also seen a lot of bitching lately about how you have to play and play and play to get an entire (matching) outfit in some machines. Maybe I'm wrong, but there doesn't seem to be too many of those. Or maybe I'm just not paying attention because I don't play a lot of gachas for clothes. I'm usually looking for decor and stuff. I've certainly gotten some cute t-shirts and shoes out of some, but those don't necessarily need to be part of an outfit. Same with jewelry. Most of the jewelry in gacha machines is a set... but I'm not big on wearing full sets of jewelry. Too much of a good thing, I think, so I don't mind getting just part.

Anyway, I love playing gacha machines. I know I'm throwing my money away... just like with everything I buy in Second Life. It's pure entertainment.

Nothing more, nothing less.
THIS! Holy shit, I fucking love bloody marys and I couldn't find a good one! Then I found one in Erratic's gacha machine. Took me all of three tries... maybe four... to get it. Just a static object... but the lovely and wonderful and delightful and generously marvelous Erratic took back the drink, along with the sipping animation I had, and put it all together for me and gave it back. Because she's fucking awesome. And now I have the best damn bloody mary in Second Life AND I can drink it! Bravo, gachas and bravo, Erratic! Cheers!


Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Bitch, Please...

I've been composing a blog post that I doubt I'll ever publish. It's just an ongoing list of things I see in Second Life that piss me off.

But there is one thing I see time and time again that I think merits its own post, and that is women in SL who think being a bitch is something to be proud of.

You've all seen them... and seen their profiles. The ones where they not only talk about how fabulous they are, but how big of a bitch they are.

And take pride in it.

What?

Why?

When did being a raging thunder cunt become something desirable?

I have an issue with the label "feminist" in this day and age. Now before anyone jumps on me, I believe the term had its time and place... but that time has past. I know there is still inequality. Racial inequality, LGBTQ inequality, and yes, gender inequality.

How about we lump them all together now? Aren't we to the point where we should just believe that ALL humans should be considered equal? Because they are? I don't know about you, but I've moved beyond the point where I need to delineate any sort of inequality... it's all abhorant.

I prefer the word "humanist" to describe myself.

Having said that, I'm very well aware of the struggles women have had to be accepted as equal to men, and still have.
You know what sets us back? Bitch.

My fellow females, as much as I despise violence, when we encounter men who think it's okay to use the bitch word to refer to women (I'm looking at you, rap/hip-hop community), we really ought to punch them in the throat.

No, better yet, we ought to sit them down and make them listen to a well-reasoned, well thought out lecture on why this is a bad thing.

And you know why men get away with calling women bitches? Because we let them. And, you women who call yourselves that? Shame the fuck on you.

And grow the fuck up.

Any way you look at it, unless you're actually referring to a female canine, the word has a negative connotation.
Willie ain't no bitch!
Being a bitch is NOT a good thing.

It's bad enough when we women call ourselves that, and allow ourselves to be called that, but how about the massive insult we pay to men when we refer to them as little bitches? "He's such a little bitch."

I'm guilty of it, too. I've used that to describe men. And I've called women bitches, too.

So shame on me, too.

You know what I pride myself in, though? Being kind.

There is so much hate in this world. So much cruelty. Why add to it? Why?

Sure, it's bitten me on the ass more than once. Led me to being a doormat in some situations, and being taken advantage of.

So what?

It hurts, sure.

But at the end of the day, I sleep better knowing I've been a kind human being. I'll take that any day over wearing a mask of bitchiness and treating anyone like dirt, even if they might deserve it.

So when I see all these women in SL proudly wearing the bitch label, and the tacky jewelry that goes along with it (the "bitch" necklaces, etc.), it infuriates me.

Because you are taking the issue of women's inequality back so many steps.

You're making it okay for women who fight hard to be considered "management material" in the workplace to be demeaned at every turn. Strong, smart, independent women... instead of being respected for those traits, we're called bitchy.

Strong, smart, independent men aren't called bitches. They're called alpha.

How sad is that?

So, ladies, when you loudly and proudly proclaim yourself to be a bitch, you are giving men permission to treat you as less than.

And, if we're being perfectly honest, you're giving me that permission, too, because like it or not, I'm going to think of myself as being just a bit better than you are. I think you're an idiot.
It's okay to be feminine, and it's okay to be strong and not be a doormat. You can be all sorts of girly, and sexy, and pink, and pretty, and smart, and capable, and forceful, and demanding, and soft...

Men can be, too.

And, I suppose, if it's your choice, you can be a bitch.

But again, why? Why that word?

Why not be yourself, the woman you want to be and proudly proclaim that you're being exactly who you want to be, but that it doesn't make you a bitch?

I've jumbled this all up in a stream of unedited thoughts, but the jist of what I'm trying to say is this- Don't call yourself a bitch, and don't allow any man to call you one, either. And if you see a man, or another woman, doing it, call them on it. We need to stop this shit.

Something to think about maybe? Please?

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Mending Fences

I've discovered a love of live music in Second Life. This post has nothing to do with that, except I frequently go to shows to hear the music and end up browsing either the marketplace, or Flickr... or occasionally I perv profiles of old friends and lovers to see what they're up to these days.
That's what I was doing last night... profile perving my ex. You remember him, don't you? My ex-husband. The one who, after we broke up, sneaked into my house when I was out one evening and banged his new lady friend on my bed and had her send me the photos.

It wasn't a pleasant breakup, to say the least.
Well, I discovered he's single again.

And, yes, I sent him an offline.

Why?
Originally, my intention was to be a catty, gloating bitch. Breaking up is never easy and ours was particularly ugly. I'd hoped we'd be able to split amicably, but that wasn't to be.

Yes, I was the one who went and fell for someone else. Two someone elses, actually, so I'm not going to pretend I wasn't at fault.
I never took any pleasure in hurting him, though. That's just not who I am. But... there are times in our lives when we have to make decisions that we know are going to cause pain to others. And in spite of that, we have to put ourselves first.

And that's what I did. No way could I give up Hugh, and Mick. I wasn't looking for these two men, but there they were and they both absolutely stole my heart and filled me with a joy I'd been missing.

I chose myself. And he was hurt.
That doesn't excuse what he did by any stretch of the imagination, though.

Anyway... perving profiles and there he was, single again, and I contacted him.
Long story short, we ended up spending a bit of time talking last night. He's moved into a new place and invited me over to see it.

I'm not dumb... I knew he wasn't inviting me over to look at his etchings. This old broad has been around the block a time or two. Do I think he invited me over just to try to get me back into bed? I don't know. Maybe, like me, he just wanted to clear the air.
We had some unfinished business.

Oh, when I got those photos, I flew into a rage... exactly the reaction he was hoping for, and he got it. I lost my shit. And I don't do that too often... I may get angry, or get hurt, but I rarely go into the kind of rage where I go on the attack. But attack I did... both his new chick, and him. She responded... she's one of those little girls who think being a bitch is something to be proud of. We went at each other for a few minutes with claws out and both of us drew blood.

I say it only lasted a few minutes because it quickly dawned on me that nothing was to be gained from hurling insults. I'd moved on. I was actually with Mick when I received the folder of photos. Ark was in my past by that point.

I blocked her right then so we couldn't continue our little cat fight.
I wasn't quite ready to let him off so easily. I let him have it, too, both in IMs and email.

And got not a single word in response. Not a single word defending himself. And that infuriated me, too.

So, yes... I took the opportunity last night to delve into it.
We didn't spend a lot of time dissecting it. He apologized, I apologized. We talked about mundane things, and where we are in our lives now, both inworld and out.

I did care about him very much. I did love him. I still care about him, as a human being. I want nothing but the best for him in his life.
So, no, I wasn't a bitch to him last night. I was just me. The only me I'm comfortable being.

It was nice. Having enemies or people who hate you sucks.

And yes, it would have been very easy to fall into bed with him. Aside from everything else, he was (and still is, I'm sure) an amazing lover.

Seriously, ladies... if any of you are looking for a really great hook-up, let me know and I'll pass your name along! He really is quite fabulous in the emoting sex department. Amongst the very best in Second Life, I'd say.
It was late, and as I was making my exit, he laid one of those fabulous emotes on me.

Just a kiss... but at 2am, it did knock me for a bit of a loop. And I was tempted for a moment.

Instead I said goodbye and left.
I can't go back there again. I just can't.

Nor do I want to. In the bright blessed sunshine this morning, I remembered what he'd done. Yes, I've forgiven him for that, and I even understand it... but... no. That was, without a doubt, the ugliest thing anyone has ever done to me. It was an action whose sole purpose was to cause me pain.

I can forgive, but I can never forget. And I can never go back.
I know my pinky is going through the glass and I don't care... I really like this photo and I'm not talented enough to figure out how to fix it in this shot.
And I realized something else.

Without a ring, or a partnership, or promises of being each other's one and only for all time ever and ever, I've become a monogamous lady, at least for the time being.

Hugh and I have been together more than a third of a year. That may not seem like a long time to most of you, but for me? It's incredible.
My dog is a ham.
And what makes it even more incredible is how I feel about that.

Every single moment of every single day, I've found myself in a place of contentment. I'm not looking around for someone to dally with, or something to make me feel like I did in those first flushes of new love.

Because I still feel that way. Every day with Hugh is like a glorious rebirth. The passion hasn't ebbed one single bit. And it's a deeper, different kind of passion... it's fiery and comfortable and volcanic and blissful all at once.
We laugh. We talk. God, how I love talking to that man. I absolutely can't not smile when we're together, or when I think of him. And it doesn't matter if he's a thousand miles away, he's there, always, with me.

I know... I know... he's in my corner. Even if he's telling me something I may not want to hear, I know it's always something I need to hear and that he has no hidden agenda. He's truly concerned, always, with what is best for Beth.
How... hell, I actually don't have the words... how glorious. How sublime. How god damned lucky I am.

What does one do with such a gift?

I cherish it. I refuse to take it for granted... it's not even an option. He comes first, always, and not even consciously. He just is. It just is. It's natural and beautiful and I've never been more fulfilled.
So, no. Even though I am absolutely thrilled that Ark and I have had a chance to mend some fences, the fence is still there.

And that's okay. It's more than okay.

I'm okay, you're okay, we're all okay.

Because life is grand.
And I took more photos than I needed for this post.

But I like these photos so I'm posting them anyway.
Willie seems to really enjoy nosing his way into my photos.

Also, you can see one corner of my beautiful new home and all the amazing work that Ellie did! Isn't it gorgeous? That woman has mad skills.
I think Poppy wanted to be in the photos, too, but I didn't realize until I was editing that she'd gotten herself stuck in the door. She gets herself into that little nook and can't get out by herself.
It was hard to try to be all introspective and, you know, naked and serious, with that face behind me.

I'm also not quite sure what to do with this blog now. I'm wacky-happy all the time so my angst is at a low. Nothing to bitch about, nothing to cry about.

I know you don't look at this blog for the words, anyway. Most of you just want to see my dirty pictures. And all my dirty pictures these days are of me and Hugh. I love 'em. You might get sick of seeing us and reading my gushing, sugary sweet words as I wax poetic about my love.
Oh, last photo. I can stop babbling now.
I'll blog as the mood strikes, I suppose. I have about a billion unused poses in my inventory. Would be a shame not to use them. And I rather like being naked, so there's that. 

Anyway, I'm a happy camper. 

And I hope you are, too. Whoever you are, wherever you are, I hope your life is filled with sunshine and rainbows and butterflies and ladybugs and big puffy white clouds and love and bliss. 

I guess I have no excuse not to put on clothes and go to the grocery now.

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