Friday, December 19, 2014

Oops

So last night the post that was here was entirely different.

I deleted what I wrote because it came out all wrong.

If you read it before I deleted it, let me clear some things up.

Last night's post was about all the reasons I'm angry and hurt by some things happening with my fella. And it came across making him out to be the bad guy. And he isn't. Not in the slightest. I wouldn't be with him if he was a douchebag. The man is incredible. Wonderful, funny, intelligent, sexy... perfect.

The problem isn't that he's been doing anything intentionally wrong. He's not set out with the purpose to cause me pain or make me angry.

The problem is that I have big time trouble opening up sometimes and telling him what I need.

One of the things that keeps us so strong is our ability to communicate, and that can sometimes be a struggle for me. I will talk his ear off sometimes without telling him what's really on my mind or what's really bothering me. And christ knows I've been in a December funk and have been sulking and pouting for weeks.

This isn't his issue- it's mine. I project onto him. I assume that he doesn't want to know when I'm mad, or that he'll pack his bags and leave me.

And nothing could be further from the truth. And he's never given me one single reason to think that's the case. I get inside my own head far too often and make up worst-case scenarios that simply aren't true. I assume the worst when he's always given me, and continues to give me, the very best.

As well as he knows me, and he knows me better than anyone, he can't read my mind and it's grossly unfair of me to expect him to. How can he know he's hurting me if I don't tell him? Because I didn't tell him. I gave him some snark and the cold shoulder... and I hate that sort of game-playing. Because our relationship is NOT a game. My behavior is something I abhor in others. I get so pissed off at other women who complain and bitch about their boyfriends not doing the "right" thing when they don't tell them what the "right" thing is. That's high school shit and I'm a god damn 45 year old woman.

We're going to talk now. He did read the post before I deleted it and sent me a beautiful email this morning. And as soon as we can get online together, we're going to talk about it. I'm going to listen to him, and he's going to listen to me. Not just listen... we're going to hear each other. The words. And we'll ask questions and we'll clarify and we won't be left wondering "what did she mean?" or "what was he trying to tell me?" We'll know. And we'll be all the better for it.

What we have is perfect for us... but it's not always a perfectly smooth road. I get moody. I get impatient. He doesn't want to burden me with his problems.

But at the end of the day, he loves me. He absolutely adores me, and I adore him.

I post intimate details of my life here. I'm a pretty open book, but last night what I posted was unfair to him. It was my passive-aggressive way of letting him know I was angry instead of just telling him that.

People, that is not the way healthy relationships grow. I know this. You know this. I stepped into the trap and let it snare me and I know better.

Be careful with the ones you love. Be considerate. Be open.

I love you, baby. We're going to be just fine. :-)

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