Monday, December 22, 2014

Is It Time?!

I'm an odd duck.

I know this.

Hell, in our own ways, we're all odd ducks, aren't we?

I've been having a bad time these last couple of weeks, but most especially this past week. I put myself through the ringer, and I put poor Hugh through it right along with me.

As I've said before, December is a hard month for me. It always has been. For the most part, I'd really prefer not to have any part of any holiday celebrations of any sort, but it's rather impossible to avoid. I'm not a Christian, so I've got no dog in that race. Not Jewish, so no Hanukkah for me. There are no little kids in my family, so there's no reason to do the Santa Claus thing, either.

It's fine for other people if they want to celebrate... I just wish I didn't have to get dragged into it. Sure, I could just refuse to have any part in it, but then I'm a mean old scrooge. It would be fine if there just wasn't so much pressure involved in it all. If people would just let me be to celebrate, or not celebrate, in whatever way I choose but there are so many expectations around the holidays.

It all just wears on me.

You all know about my sister going bananas on me (again). We are still avoiding each other like the plague. Before she left me with the parting "fuck off, you nasty bitch", she also mentioned that she knows I loathe her.
I've been thinking a lot about that lately, and you know what? She's right. I honestly don't like her, and that's going to sound judgmental as hell, but there it is. We've had 45 years of being toxic to each other, for many, many reasons. It's reached the point where we (I) have accepted it.

So, yeah. She's out of my life. Forever, as far as I'm concerned. I don't have to find it in myself to forgive her. I don't need to. And accepting that is a really nice weight off my shoulders.

There's something else going on, too, that I think has contributed to my foul mood recently. I think I might be starting to go through menopause. My monthly visitor has become quite erratic of late, and I never know when to expect it. And the hot flashes. My god, the hot flashes!

And HOLY SHIT do my tits hurt right now!

So clearly I'm about to start and I can attribute a good deal of my moodiness to PMS that I didn't see coming.

Mind you, I've been fairly anxious for menopause for a few years. Guys, periods suck. And I've known for a long time that I'm not having kids. So... I have joyously anticipated the end to my little monthly friend for quite some time.
But now that it might actually be here, or be approaching soon, I'm very aware of the changes it's going to bring to my body. Hell, I'm already battling depression (successfully) but I know I'm looking at another struggle with it.

I guess awareness is half the battle, though. Knowing, and being able to recognize the signs, will be a great help in keeping the darkness at bay. I might have to make an adjustment to my little happy pill I take every morning. And that's fine, as long as I know there is something I can do.

The hot flashes suck ass, though. And I've sadly noticed a decrease in my libido.

And let me tell you... I ain't having that. That's one thing I'm going to fight tooth and nail. I'm sure Hugh will be happy to lend a hand with that, too. ;-)

Of course, my drop in libido may also be due to the rough December. I'm only 45... I'm at the very low end of the normal age that menopause usually starts. Guess it's time to visit my friendly gynecologist and have a chat about it all.

And now I'm having one of those delightful hot flashes... Pardon me while I go stand outside in my underwear for a few minutes.

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