Sunday, September 21, 2014

Mother-Fucking Princess

 Yesterday, Hugh and I celebrated our eight monthiversary.
This isn't just a record for me, you guys... this is... oh, hell, I admit everything else on here. I might as well admit this, too. This is really sort of a RL record for me, too.
I have never been good at relationships. Ever. I grew up in a house full of men and a mom who, though simply amazingly wonderful, was far beyond teaching me all the silly rules and tricks and crap that goes into snagging a man. I never knew how to flirt, or play hard to get, or any of that other stuff that comes innately to most women.
In a way, looking back now at age 45, I probably missed out on a lot.

Oh, don't get me wrong... I dated. I dated a lot. And I gave it up a lot. Once I discovered sex, I gave that shit away like candy for a while. I was a gorgeous, long-legged filly and all the fellas came calling but the thing is, I didn't realize it. I was a tomboy, and though I very badly wanted to be a femme fatale, I just didn't know how to go about doing that.
As a result, I dated a lot, I fucked a lot, but I couldn't keep anyone interested in the long-term. As most of you know, I struggled with depression and had terrible self esteem. So there were no real long term relationships for young Beth.
With age comes wisdom, and now, looking back, I'm pretty happy things turned out how they did. Had I known how to keep a guy, I'd probably be married with a herd of children, still living in the same small town I grew up in. I wouldn't have experienced all the things I have, traveled (and lived) in the places I've been.

I'd have been trapped in a life that wouldn't have suited this Beth at all.
So in retrospect, I'm very glad that instead of being taught to be a girly-girl, my mom taught me to be independent.
I'm settled in my life. I have an amazing family that loves me unconditionally. I have wonderful friends and I job that fulfills me in a way few get to experience.

I pay my own bills, I live alone and depend on no one for material needs.
But...

It does get lonely sometimes. Not enough to make me go out and about in the real world seeking a partner, but I've always felt a bit like something was missing. Someone was missing. That someone to shoulder the burden with me, to listen to me, to love me... all of me... with my oddities and quirks and inherent weirdness.
Someone that accepts me for me... a man who doesn't want me to change because he loves me as I am.

Someone I can talk to about anything and everything without judgement. Someone I can be goofy and stupid with. Or talk about religion and politics and other topics that aren't discussed in polite conversation. Someone I can laugh with.
And as hard as it is for people outside of Second Life to understand (impossible really), that's where I found it. Right there in Second Life.
We are both getting something we desperately need out of our relationship... different things for both of us, but what we have fulfills something that we were lacking.

And we've got it without it screwing with the real world. Neither of us want that. We're both of an age where we have no desire to rock the boat, as it were, outside of Second Life.

That doesn't make our relationship any less real. It's very real. The feelings are real, the love is real.
Does it spill out into our real lives? Yes, a bit. Those feelings aren't turned off when we log off. I know there are a lot of people who treat SL as a game, and that's fine for them... but neither of us do that.
My best friend (RL) knows about Hugh and SL. She absolutely doesn't get it at all. Even knowing both of our situations, she can't comprehend why we have no plans, no desire, to meet in the real world.

By her reasoning, if our relationship is so perfect online, why on Earth would we not want to throw caution to the wind and go for it.

Because there is no way... no way... what we have could survive in the real world. We both know that.
We would literally be throwing everything away for a chance at something that couldn't be the same as it is in the world we've created in SL.

The real world is messy and complicated. It's wonderful, too. We're both very happy people in our real lives and I don't think we'd be as happy together in SL if we weren't. We know each other's real life selves even though we've never met. If we walked past each other on the street, we would recognize each other immediately.

We don't keep our real lives hidden from each other... but we do keep them separate.
I sort of accidentally combined two posts into one with this. 

On one hand, it was going to be about how this incredible man makes me feel so very treasured... how he lets me know every single moment that I'm his woman, and that he's incredibly proud of me. Even more than a princess, he makes me feel like the queen of fucking everything.

On the other hand, this was going to be about how this whole thing works for us. I know we're not unique... there are plenty of other SL couples who are in the same, or similar, boats. But it's unique to me... to us. Trying to explain the unexplainable beauty of it. 

Second Life peeps will understand... that's the club we're all in together. This world where anything is possible and there is nothing to hold us back from embracing all we desire. We can be ourselves in a way that we can't in the real world with all its pitfalls and pratfalls. 

Aren't we lucky? Isn't it amazing? 

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