Sunday, July 27, 2014

The Six Month Itch?

Oh, not me... I have no itches. I'm wondering about others...

Have I changed?

I've been thinking a lot about this lately... especially now that I have a ring (well, two rings actually, but that's another story) on my finger. Mind you, it's not a formal partnership in the do-you-take-thee sense. There was no ceremony and no paying of the L$25 to the Linden gods. The rings are merely a symbol of what we mean to each other.. who we are to each other.
It's... so very wonderful. So very hard to put into words. I love him deeply. Completely. After six months, the passion is so much... fuck. It's hotter each time we're together. Still. I didn't think that was possible. White heat. Every single time.
Hugh is my soul. My very breath. My being.

Best friends. God, how he makes me laugh... smile. I can't think of him without it bringing a goofy grin to my face. He's a man. Strong, confident... so self-assured. And though I'm perfectly capable of standing on my own two feet, it's absolutely the best feeling in the world to know he is always in my corner.
Fulfilling a request...
I have slipped into monogamy. I guess that's what I'm referring to when I wonder if I've changed. It wasn't intentional. Wasn't something I put a lot of thought into.

It just happened. I adore Hugh... and he fulfills me. I don't need to fuck anyone else.
But I worry... I'm not the same woman he fell in love with six months ago. Serene is hardly a word one could have used to describe me back then.

I was, sexually speaking, a free spirit. If it felt good, I did it. Even though I was partnered to Ark at the time, I banged whoever I wanted, whenever I wanted.
In a way, I still do. It's just that the whoever is always Hugh.

But I worry very much that I'm stifling him. And not just in a sexually promiscuous or polyamorous kind of way.

I have a life that affords me to be in SL pretty much anytime I want. I'm able to get in my SL alone time whenever... as well as the time to shop, decorate, go to shows, hang out with friends, etc.

In my (our) age demographic, this is pretty rare. I get all the time I need or want to explore and do whatever... most don't. Including Hugh.
He's fucking fabulous, as you may have surmised, and has never once complained about needing time in SL away from me.

He's not a complainer, though, so I worry that it's there, but going unspoken.

We talk pretty much about anything and everything... the one thing he doesn't talk about much is us. Oh, he is a master of words and never fails to fill my heart and soul with joy and love and I have no doubts that he means every single word of it. But we never really get into what, or who, we are as a couple. It's very undefined. I know how I see us... but I'm not sure how he sees us. What the boundaries are for either of us... if there even are any.
Maybe I'm making too much out of nothing. We all know full well that when things in my world are going magnificently, I start looking (and in some cases inventing) reasons to make it not so.

Mick got a snoot full of me and packed his bags and left SL without so much as a backwards glance. I know it wasn't all to do with me, and very much to do with what was going on in his real world, but it stung. It hurt my pride as much as anything.

And god, going way back to my days with Rob, he dumped my ass for smothering him. He's a supreme douchebag, though, and I was well to be rid of him. It still hurt to know that I was too much.
My soul is the same... body (RL) and avatar. It's not just blended... it's me. And I'm totally getting what I need to get from SL... from Hugh. But is he getting all the things he needs?
I know that my situation is rare for my age... being single. And I also know that lots of people my age in long term RL relationships come to SL to experience a very passionate sexual experience that they aren't necessarily getting anymore in RL. It's a very safe way to explore outside the lines- if you're smart about it.
And that's another thing that Hugh and I share. Neither of us have the slightest desire to bring what we've found in SL into the real world for our own reasons and it works great for us.

I just don't want to hold him back. He's so very precious to me that his happiness supersedes any selfish wants I might have. But I just don't know. Could be he's as happy and content with the way we are as I am and I'm just being a dork.
I have changed... but for better, or for worse? Does he miss the woman who he first got to know reading this very blog? The one who wouldn't be bound by the shackles of monogamy?

shrug
Time to clean up...
I'm just being silly. Life is good... both SL and RL. I'm loved in both worlds. And I deserve that.
One of the dangers of being left to my own devices (Hugh has been offline for a few days) is that it gives me a chance to get inside my head.

I've always been the imaginative sort, so I come up with a thousand scenarios for what is going on in other people's heads.
While I know that's a very unnecessary thing for me to do, it's not always so easy to stop doing it. Idle hands are dangerous for some... an idle mind is dangerous for me.
I've been tempted over the past few days to go out and whore it up like in the old days. And Hugh is always telling me to go have fun... I'm just not sure what that means. Does it mean that I should go out and get laid? And if it does, do I even want to?
I've visited a few of my old haunts to see if anything draws my fancy... and it hasn't. I've been approached and propositioned and no one has intrigued me in the slightest. The conversations seem tedious and cliched. I've had much more fun going to shows and hanging out with friends and taking photos (like these).
I have a good friend in SL that has just come out of a long term relationship and I've been telling her to get back on the horse and get back out there and meet some men. She's reluctant and I know why. For one thing, she's healing and that takes time. It just does. It was months after Rob before I let my walls down and let Ark get into my heart. You can't force it... you have to take the time you need.

The other reason... god, the drudgery of getting out there and sorting through all the not-the-ones. It used to be fun, but once you've found him, who wants to start looking again to find more?
Until I know differently, I'm just going to keep assuming Hugh is as happy as I am. He's not given me a single reason to think otherwise unless my subconscious is picking up on clues that I just can't see. I've never been good at long term relationships... and now I have one and I don't want to fuck it up because I love it. I love him.

So yes, I've changed. I guess it doesn't have to be defined as better or worse... it just is. And I'm happy. I'm pretty damn sure he's happy, too.

I just have to keep reminding myself not to create drama where none exists. And this blog... this was created for me to work through things in my head. Typing it all out sometimes really does help me create order in the chaos that is my mind.

Life is good, life is good... life IS good...

1 comment:

  1. hmmm yes the 6 month itch. I know exactly what you are talking about here. IMO it all goes back to our nature, our primal nature. Women tend to be monogamous in that they want the strongest man, the best of the best to procreate with. The man, well his goal is to ensure his genetic line carries on far & wide. And in doing so, will instinctively want many women, not just one as this is the best guarantee of the survival of his lineage. So bottom line, we all have that primal instinct that guides us in making choices of sexual partners. :)

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