Sunday, June 1, 2014

Mending Fences

I've discovered a love of live music in Second Life. This post has nothing to do with that, except I frequently go to shows to hear the music and end up browsing either the marketplace, or Flickr... or occasionally I perv profiles of old friends and lovers to see what they're up to these days.
That's what I was doing last night... profile perving my ex. You remember him, don't you? My ex-husband. The one who, after we broke up, sneaked into my house when I was out one evening and banged his new lady friend on my bed and had her send me the photos.

It wasn't a pleasant breakup, to say the least.
Well, I discovered he's single again.

And, yes, I sent him an offline.

Why?
Originally, my intention was to be a catty, gloating bitch. Breaking up is never easy and ours was particularly ugly. I'd hoped we'd be able to split amicably, but that wasn't to be.

Yes, I was the one who went and fell for someone else. Two someone elses, actually, so I'm not going to pretend I wasn't at fault.
I never took any pleasure in hurting him, though. That's just not who I am. But... there are times in our lives when we have to make decisions that we know are going to cause pain to others. And in spite of that, we have to put ourselves first.

And that's what I did. No way could I give up Hugh, and Mick. I wasn't looking for these two men, but there they were and they both absolutely stole my heart and filled me with a joy I'd been missing.

I chose myself. And he was hurt.
That doesn't excuse what he did by any stretch of the imagination, though.

Anyway... perving profiles and there he was, single again, and I contacted him.
Long story short, we ended up spending a bit of time talking last night. He's moved into a new place and invited me over to see it.

I'm not dumb... I knew he wasn't inviting me over to look at his etchings. This old broad has been around the block a time or two. Do I think he invited me over just to try to get me back into bed? I don't know. Maybe, like me, he just wanted to clear the air.
We had some unfinished business.

Oh, when I got those photos, I flew into a rage... exactly the reaction he was hoping for, and he got it. I lost my shit. And I don't do that too often... I may get angry, or get hurt, but I rarely go into the kind of rage where I go on the attack. But attack I did... both his new chick, and him. She responded... she's one of those little girls who think being a bitch is something to be proud of. We went at each other for a few minutes with claws out and both of us drew blood.

I say it only lasted a few minutes because it quickly dawned on me that nothing was to be gained from hurling insults. I'd moved on. I was actually with Mick when I received the folder of photos. Ark was in my past by that point.

I blocked her right then so we couldn't continue our little cat fight.
I wasn't quite ready to let him off so easily. I let him have it, too, both in IMs and email.

And got not a single word in response. Not a single word defending himself. And that infuriated me, too.

So, yes... I took the opportunity last night to delve into it.
We didn't spend a lot of time dissecting it. He apologized, I apologized. We talked about mundane things, and where we are in our lives now, both inworld and out.

I did care about him very much. I did love him. I still care about him, as a human being. I want nothing but the best for him in his life.
So, no, I wasn't a bitch to him last night. I was just me. The only me I'm comfortable being.

It was nice. Having enemies or people who hate you sucks.

And yes, it would have been very easy to fall into bed with him. Aside from everything else, he was (and still is, I'm sure) an amazing lover.

Seriously, ladies... if any of you are looking for a really great hook-up, let me know and I'll pass your name along! He really is quite fabulous in the emoting sex department. Amongst the very best in Second Life, I'd say.
It was late, and as I was making my exit, he laid one of those fabulous emotes on me.

Just a kiss... but at 2am, it did knock me for a bit of a loop. And I was tempted for a moment.

Instead I said goodbye and left.
I can't go back there again. I just can't.

Nor do I want to. In the bright blessed sunshine this morning, I remembered what he'd done. Yes, I've forgiven him for that, and I even understand it... but... no. That was, without a doubt, the ugliest thing anyone has ever done to me. It was an action whose sole purpose was to cause me pain.

I can forgive, but I can never forget. And I can never go back.
I know my pinky is going through the glass and I don't care... I really like this photo and I'm not talented enough to figure out how to fix it in this shot.
And I realized something else.

Without a ring, or a partnership, or promises of being each other's one and only for all time ever and ever, I've become a monogamous lady, at least for the time being.

Hugh and I have been together more than a third of a year. That may not seem like a long time to most of you, but for me? It's incredible.
My dog is a ham.
And what makes it even more incredible is how I feel about that.

Every single moment of every single day, I've found myself in a place of contentment. I'm not looking around for someone to dally with, or something to make me feel like I did in those first flushes of new love.

Because I still feel that way. Every day with Hugh is like a glorious rebirth. The passion hasn't ebbed one single bit. And it's a deeper, different kind of passion... it's fiery and comfortable and volcanic and blissful all at once.
We laugh. We talk. God, how I love talking to that man. I absolutely can't not smile when we're together, or when I think of him. And it doesn't matter if he's a thousand miles away, he's there, always, with me.

I know... I know... he's in my corner. Even if he's telling me something I may not want to hear, I know it's always something I need to hear and that he has no hidden agenda. He's truly concerned, always, with what is best for Beth.
How... hell, I actually don't have the words... how glorious. How sublime. How god damned lucky I am.

What does one do with such a gift?

I cherish it. I refuse to take it for granted... it's not even an option. He comes first, always, and not even consciously. He just is. It just is. It's natural and beautiful and I've never been more fulfilled.
So, no. Even though I am absolutely thrilled that Ark and I have had a chance to mend some fences, the fence is still there.

And that's okay. It's more than okay.

I'm okay, you're okay, we're all okay.

Because life is grand.
And I took more photos than I needed for this post.

But I like these photos so I'm posting them anyway.
Willie seems to really enjoy nosing his way into my photos.

Also, you can see one corner of my beautiful new home and all the amazing work that Ellie did! Isn't it gorgeous? That woman has mad skills.
I think Poppy wanted to be in the photos, too, but I didn't realize until I was editing that she'd gotten herself stuck in the door. She gets herself into that little nook and can't get out by herself.
It was hard to try to be all introspective and, you know, naked and serious, with that face behind me.

I'm also not quite sure what to do with this blog now. I'm wacky-happy all the time so my angst is at a low. Nothing to bitch about, nothing to cry about.

I know you don't look at this blog for the words, anyway. Most of you just want to see my dirty pictures. And all my dirty pictures these days are of me and Hugh. I love 'em. You might get sick of seeing us and reading my gushing, sugary sweet words as I wax poetic about my love.
Oh, last photo. I can stop babbling now.
I'll blog as the mood strikes, I suppose. I have about a billion unused poses in my inventory. Would be a shame not to use them. And I rather like being naked, so there's that. 

Anyway, I'm a happy camper. 

And I hope you are, too. Whoever you are, wherever you are, I hope your life is filled with sunshine and rainbows and butterflies and ladybugs and big puffy white clouds and love and bliss. 

I guess I have no excuse not to put on clothes and go to the grocery now.

2 comments:

  1. I can't speak for everyone else, but I do love the dirty pictures.

    And I love that the dirty pictures are of someone who is deep, insightful, introspective, playful, and loves sharing all of these qualities with the world even when they don't reflect what she thinks are her best sides.

    I come to this blog to read your thoughts and listen to what's going on with your adventures, because it's generally interesting, even if you're just being introspective about something. The dirty pictures? Well, there's something to be said for knowing the person in them, knowing how much she loves to be fucked, and knowing that said pictures are an extension of her enjoyment of photography. Value-added perversion, you might say.

    Keep it coming, Beth. Thank you!

    PS: Would love to see cum on those luscious tits of yours!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Was trying to figure out who this was... until the PS. Now I know!

      And thank you. :-)

      Delete

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