Saturday, June 28, 2014

Having A Lonely Day

I hate when things happen that are beyond my control.
It just makes me crazy... that feeling of spinning. Spinning, spinning, spinning and things are happening around me and there's nothing I can do to stop, or make things stop.

You see, today we found out that my brother has cancer. Completely out of the blue... it was supposed to be congestive heart failure, which is bad enough. NOT cancer.

But it seems that it's cancer. It never crossed my mind as a possibility.

Cancer.

Cancer took my mom. That was supposed to be appendicitis and ended up being stage 4 colon cancer.

Here we go again... cancer, cancer, cancer.

We don't know what kind it is yet, or what stage. All we know is the doctor who found it said it looks bad.

It's cancer... it's cancer... it's cancer...

Could be lung, liver or colon.

Won't know for a few more days.

And I can't make it stop.

My brother needs me and all I want to do is hide. Curl up in a ball and pretend I somehow missed the message. If I ignore it, it's not real.

Except it is.

And it's beyond my control. Because it's cancer.

Fuck cancer.

God damn it all.

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