Friday, May 23, 2014

Wish You Were Here

We're just two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl...
Something else has been on my mind lately... something other than, believe it or not, Hugh. :-)

What is the proper way to act, or react, when someone leaves Second Life? 

You see, my other fella is taking a bit of a leave. For how long? I have no idea. I know he's got some RL stuff that has to have his attention right now... so please don't take this as me sounding like a harpy. RL comes first, always. Has to. Should. Always.

However... having said that... we're not even having email communications at this point. Busy is busy, yes, but I find it difficult to believe that he doesn't have a moment or two every few days while he's sitting on the can and fiddling with his phone.

Come on, I know I'm not the only one who does that. ;-)
Anyway, I'm left very unsure of my place in his life. I mean, I know my place in his life is in Second Life... and I know he's not expecting me to be sitting around waiting on him to come back and I strongly suspect that this is partly his intent in taking a Second Life sabbatical.

I'm certainly not sitting around. I'm so freaking goofy over Hugh right now that I'm constantly floating several inches off the ground, and my dear friend, the wickedly wonderful and talented Ellie Rogue has taken mercy on me and is using her vast knowledge and eye for decoration, building and terraforming to transfer my little corner of Second Life into the most blissful oasis in SL. 

You see, life is moving on. And every bit of it that happens and I can't share it with him, the further he slips away. I suppose it's inevitable- out of sight, out of mind and all that.

So while I'm not wasting away fretting over losing him, I do very much hate that it's happening. 

I know he's going to come back... and what are his expectations going to be when it comes to me? Does he think we'll be able to pick up where we left off? I can't do that. I'm not going to lie... I'm pissed the fuck off at the complete lack of communication. And the distance is there now. It just is. Life moves, things happen, people come in and out of our worlds. 
He's a strange guy... He's one of the oldest SLers I know. Nearly 10 years in inworld. And he has a ton of friends that he's known for years and years. Most of them, I think, are former lovers that he's moved on from and continues to be friends, or acquaintances, with. It's a point of pride with him and he's told me time and time again that he will be my friend for years and years and years. To me, that seems like a consolation prize mixed in with a bit of condescension. I didn't hook up with him to be just a friend and when our time as lovers has passed (and has it already?) who says I'm willing to be just another in his long line of conquests that remain at his beck and call?

This isn't the first time he's ducked out on SL for a while. It happens... SL becomes an obligation instead of something fun and you have to leave for a while to maintain your sanity. I've done it. I'm six years in now and there was a period of over a year that I was gone. Living in two worlds can be exhausting, especially when you're a grown-up and have responsibilities like bills, and food, and mortgages or rent, and jobs, etc. 

Second Life should be an escape from all that. And when it starts becoming one of those burdens, you just have to put it aside for a while. And when it can be fun again, we can come back.

But what about those we leave hanging when we do that?

I don't think there's a good answer. I can't ask him to come back or, you know, send me daily emails to let me know he's a) still alive and b) still thinking about (and loving) me. And he can't ask me to not move on from him because that's going to happen whether we like it or not.

Did you know he gave me a ring? Back when we first started dating. Not an engagement ring or anything like that... just a really lovely you-mean-something-very-special-to-me ring. It meant we were connected. And we're not anymore... and I had to take it off. Hated doing it, but I did. 

I can't know what's going to happen when he comes back until he actually comes back. I know that if he wants to keep me, he's going to have to put some effort into it. 
Do I still love him? Yes, unquestionably. But has the distance become so great that, in my mind, it can't be overcome? Like I said, I'm pissed that he's disappeared not just from SL, but from my email as well. I don't begrudge him his hiatus. I do find it ridiculous that he can't answer an email. 

Ah, hell... I don't know. It's late at night and I'm fighting sleep because I'm on a mini-vacation and, damn it, I'm supposed to stay up late but I'm drifting... 

There are questions only he can answer, but I feel like trying to ask him would be perceived as me being a shrew. The fact that I feel that would should be a clue, eh? 

Oh well... too tired to worry about that tonight. 

After all, tomorrow is another day. ;-)


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