Tuesday, March 11, 2014

The Nature of Depression

See, I keep it under control most of the time.

But, really, the demons are still there. Always there.

In the back of my mind, gnawing away at me. Doubt. Fear. Angst. Self-loathing. Absolute and complete weariness.

It's gotten hold of me right now.

Me, the girl with everything, right?

I can't  help it... I can't always fight it away. And that just makes me feel so much worse... so much. Weak. And tired. Just tired.

Sad for no reason. No reason at all.

Feeling extraordinarily selfish because I want someone else to tell me I'm amazing.

I know no one can fill the empty places inside me except for myself. And most of the time, I do. I can't want, or expect, someone else to shoulder that.

But every once in a while... just every once in a while... I'd love to have someone try. Someone try to lift my ache.

To mean enough to someone to have them try.

Just a little bit. Just for a little while. Just lift it all off my shoulders for a minute. I just need a minute of being assured that I matter in this big damn stupid world.

Just a minute.

And I feel bad because I know that's an unreasonable expectation. It makes me feel guilty to even want someone to give me one minute of taking my pain away. Anyone.

Just take it. Make it not hurt. Make life not hurt.

And I know... I know damn good and well this is my depression talking and it's going to go away. I've lived with this long enough to know... it's going to lift and I'll be left wondering what the hell triggered it this time and why I ever felt so... worthless.

I'll be able to see the magic and the wonderment and the excitement and joy.

But right now... it's just black. And even though I know it's going to go away, right now it's hard to imagine feeling "right" again.

And I'm terrified... so fucking damn terrified... that until the demons let go, while I'm in this black place, I'll be deserted. I'll look around and say, "Hey, I'm back!" and be all alone.

Because I'm all alone right now.

3 comments:

  1. *offers you a hand to hold and a shoulder to lean against*
    Don't give up, Beth. You've been here before, and you know there is a path out.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, sweetie. It's already getting better. :-)

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  2. I am sorry you are going through this. I have suffered from depression all of my life. I am always around if you want to chat. I know how it is, it can be rough babes. xoxoxoxo Simone

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