Saturday, March 8, 2014

Reflections...

I haven't done this in a while... taken the time to sit back and just take a look at myself... my situation... my world. Our world.
I was wandering around the Cyprian Gardens today. I've talked about it before, but it really is a stunning place. A beautiful place not just for incredibly naughty sex, but just to relax and breathe. I found myself, as you do in Second Life, sitting under a bridge. So...

Introspection time, readers!

The last several days have been difficult. Mostly brought upon myself...
I have these two men. And they love me.

I can be a jackass sometimes. Insecure and fearful.

I have everything a woman could possibly want, yet I sometimes convince myself it's not enough. I don't know why I do that. Maybe it's just a normal human thing. But I can take it to extremes. Almost pushed one of my men away. Something very similar to something I'd already done to the other one.
And you know what? They both refused to let me break us, break what we have.

What an incredible gift that is!

I'm a happy girl. I haven't always been. I've talked some about my issues with depression before, and my life-long struggle to hold those demons at bay.

And I've succeeded at that, thanks to a lot of hard work, a lot of acceptance of who I am... and, yes, a glorious little pill called Cymbalta.
I'm proud of myself. Proud of the woman I've become... and I'm not talking about SL Beth... I'm talking about RL Beth.

For the first time since I started this blog, I posted something yesterday and then removed it. I'm not big on editing or censoring myself. This blog has always been a place for me to talk through whatever I'm feeling in a particular moment and it has always made me feel some clarity after I hit the "publish" button. Always made me feel better about whatever situation I find myself in.

That didn't happen yesterday. I posted something that made me feel worse.

I lashed out at someone, hard and publicly. Some would say he deserved it. He certainly lobbed the first volley.
And his... act... it didn't hurt me. It angered me,  yes.

Let me rephrase that a bit... the actual act of what he did. That didn't hurt. That was a silly, childish prank. And it was ugly. But what hurts... what makes me sad... isn't that he did it to me. It's that he did it at all.

I hate ugliness... the kind that comes from inside. Cruelty... I see it far too often in my chosen field of work. And everytime I turn on the news. It absolutely makes my heart truly ache. I am an empathetic soul. I deeply feel things for others, and when they hurt, I hurt. Even if it's a stranger in the Ukraine. I want to very badly to be able to take all their pain into myself and make it disappear... and the fact that I can't do that hurts even more.
Bill and Ted said it best... "Be excellent to each other."

It seems so simple in concept. Just be good. Be kind. Give a stranger a smile.

Even now, as I'm sitting under this bridge, I was approached by a woman... a complete stranger. I didn't' notice her walk up, lost as I am in writing. She gave me a photo she'd taken of me from a distance, and a hug. Nothing more... a few kind words. It brought a smile to my face. What a beautiful thing to do for a stranger!
So... being attacked by someone that I once gave myself to, completely... it shook me. To my core. Because I hate it for him. I hate knowing he's in such pain.

And I can't fix it, nor will I try.

I was just as ugly yesterday with my post... and the words I flung at him and his wife inworld. I sank to a level that I find very distasteful and uncomfortable, because that's just not me.

Through my work with some very, very troubled children, I learned something from a therapist. There are no bad children, only bad behaviors. These kids have been taught through their life that they are bad... broken beyond repair. It's simply not true.
So the name-calling I did... I'm ashamed of that. He and his wife engaged in some bad behavior directed at me, but they aren't bad people.

I can be bitchy, but I'm not a bitch. I can act slutty, but I'm not a slut.

I'm just Beth... flawed and imperfect.

No better, no worse, no different than anyone else.

Life is full of choices. Turn left, or turn right? The smallest of decisions can have profound effects on our lives, and the lives of those around us, even strangers.
And the balance sways... do we make the decisions that are best for ourselves, or do we make the decisions that are best for others? It's always a choice and it's often not easy.

I made some choices. No, the choice was never who to love... We don't control that. Falling in love with Hugh, falling in love with Mick... even falling in love with Ark and Rob. I had no say it that.

I did have a say in what I did with that love. I could have smothered it, each time. Turned my back on it. Those are choices I could have made, but I didn't.

I embrace love. I embrace the love I have to give. It brings me joy.

In the real world, I might have made different choices... but when it comes right down to it, this is MY Second Life.
For me, it would have been wrong, very wrong, to turn my back on the things I wanted... on the men I wanted. On the love I felt and the love that was being offered to me.

And there was collateral damage from those choices. If there had been any way possible, I would have taken every ounce of pain those decisions caused and made it disappear, but I couldn't. That is something I can't control.
And... not looking for sympathy here... but that did cause me pain. A lot of pain. And I let myself feel it, and let myself shed the many, many tears that needed to fall. And then brushed them away (and blew my nose a lot!) and embraced my happiness.

And that is what I'll continue to do. My choice is to embrace what I have. The joy I feel. And, I hope, reflect some of that joy back to the men I love, and the people who surround us.

I feel the pride from the men I love... pride in the woman I am. And I don't write this blog, or do the things I do to make them proud of me. I do it because I want to be the kind of woman who, simply by living well and treating others well, instills pride. In myself.
And more than that... I want to be a human being who brings a smile to a stranger's face.

Because what a beautiful world we would live in if we all did that.


3 comments:

  1. I read the original post you mentioned and felt the hurt that prompted you to write as you did. I am glad you've found a measure of peace. Thank you also for speaking with me briefly the other day, in-world. If you feel a need to talk something out, you are more than welcome to IM me when I'm online.

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