Saturday, March 29, 2014

Fool On The Hill

Well, last night's post was pretty bleak, wasn't it?

Here's the thing... the lesson I very badly need to not just learn, but remember.
In Second Life, you cannot depend on anyone but yourself.

You can love others, but when it comes right down to it, you can only depend on yourself.

The funny thing about this is that I've absolutely learned that lesson in the real world.

I have my RL family that I can always and forever depend on, not matter what.

I have my best friend... knowing each other for over a quarter of a century now, she's family in all the ways that matter, too. I can depend on her.

Anyone else? Nope. No way.

Especially not men.

I'm an old maid. At 44, I know nothing else except how to take care of myself and not lean on others. I live alone, I take care of the two beasts, I pay my bills, I unclog the drains (long curly hair is a bitch!), I buy the groceries, I put the gas in the car... and when the darkness hits, I'm the only one that can pull myself out of it.
I'm in Second Life for a variety of different reasons. Sex. Shopping. Love my little house and land and decorating it.

And, yeah, I'd be lying if I didn't admit I'm partly in SL because I wanted to find someone I could depend on, at least in a virtual world.

It's nice to pretend I'm not alone. To let myself lean on someone for a while... let them hold me up a bit.

But we all know I do a shitty job and keeping SL and RL separate. And when I let myself lean on someone in SL, I feel it in RL, too.

It's not an issue when I turn off the computer. It's not like I find myself looking around for one of my fellas in the real world.

But what does happen is that I find myself at a loss for what to do in SL when I find myself alone. And it's especially tough for me when one of my loves is also online but not with me.

I'm not partnered to either of them, and even if I were, it's never healthy to be glued at the hip to someone at all times.

So even though I've got these two guys... well, maybe... I might be down to just one, really... but even though I have them, I still find myself alone a lot.

Much like in the real world, I don't have a lot of friends in SL. Not folks I hang out with. I keep my list trimmed pretty short and even at that, the people on that list aren't really people I see.
I'm an introvert in SL and RL, I suppose.

I love it in RL. I really do love being by myself. I keep myself busy, whether it's being online or reading or scritching the kitties or whatever. For an introvert, it's not easy having a job where I have to, you know, talk to people and stuff. So when that is over, my time at home, alone, is precious.

Not that I'm a total hermit. I'm not. I have a big family and I love hanging out with my bestie... in public even! But there is only so much of all that I can take before I just have to come home where I can breath.

And then there is my SL. I love Hugh and Mick, but even at that, there are times when I just want to break away and sit on my beach by myself. How else am I going to have time to shop?!

But I like that when it's my choice... not when I'm forced to be alone because the dudes are doing something, or someone, else. Which is ridiculous, I know. There is nothing in the rule book that says I have to be alone just because I'm not with them.

Hell, there's no rule book period.
Know what I'm doing as I type this blog? I'm sitting in a concert venue listening to this really great acoustic guitarist/singer and he's wonderful and there is a huge crowd of people around me.

And I'm writing a blog post and I've derendered them all. How weird is that? I could be in the middle of the crowd, dancing, making new friends... instead, I'm sitting on this couch pretending there aren't about 40 people all around me, talking and laughing and having a great time.

I'm so freaking weird. What am I even doing here? Why am I logged in when I have no intention, no desire, to mingle with anyone?

Fuck if I know. But here I am.

Day after day, alone on the hill
The man with the foolish grin is keeping perfectly still
But nobody wants to know him
They can see that he's just a fool
As he never gives an answer
But the fool on the hill
Sees the sun going down
And the eyes in his head
See the world spinning around

Well on the way, head in a cloud
The man of a thousand voices talking perfectly loud
But nobody ever hears him
Or the sound he appears to make
And he never seems to notice
But the fool on the hill
Sees the sun going down
And the eyes in his head
See the world spinning around

And nobody seems to like him
They can tell what he wants to do
And he never shows his feelings
But the fool on the hill
Sees the sun going down
And the eyes in his head
See the world spinning around

He never listen to them
He knows that they're the fools
They don't like him
The fool on the hill
Sees the sun going down
And the eyes in his head
See the world spinning around

~Lennon, McCartney

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