Sunday, March 30, 2014

Daffodils

Well, Christ... people actually read this damn thing, don't they?
I wrote a post the other night about insecurity. Seems that scared some folks.

The first thing anyone needs to know about that particular post is that I was stoned out of my gourd. I was feeling some stress and I took some pills.

Very stupid, yes. Not trying to hurt myself or anything like that... just trying to take the edge off the anxiety. It wasn't about anything happening in SL, or at least, certainly not entirely.
I do have a life outside of SL. And as an introvert, sometimes I have to do things in the real world that cause me stress just because I have to go out and deal with things. That night, it was a trip to the emergency vet with my 85 year old papa and his dog. The doggie just had a tummy ache, but the last time I was at this place, I had to put down my beloved calico kitty and it was horrible. Horrible memories and I didn't want to be there.

And when I got home, I took a couple pills. One too many, obviously.
Another thing... when I blog, I blog what I'm feeling in that exact second. In that particular moment. And right then, I was in a freaky place and then I slept and I wasn't in that place anymore.

This blog is my catharsis, my therapy. No one has to read it. I love that you do, but you certainly don't have to.

But I do have to write it. I use this to pour my thoughts and feelings out and to talk myself through things and then I hit publish and I move on. I can move on. I don't dwell on anything I write here. It's verbal diarrhea.
It's raw and unedited and I never put much thought into anything I'm writing here. I just let it flow and then turn off the faucet and move on.

My insecurity post seems to have scared the shit out of someone. Was I feeling all of that in that moment? You bet I was.

Was I feeling it five minutes after hitting the publish button? Nope.

These posts are snippets of my life... mostly of my Second Life. They are moments in time captured for posterity.
I am not in a dark place right now. I am not depressed. I am not feeling weak or insecure. I am not unhappy. RL Beth or SL Beth.

I'm good. It's good. Life is good. Spring is finally here and it's a time of renewal and rebirth. How could I be sad? There will be daffodils soon!

I have love. I am loved and I give love. Someone didn't obey my commands when I told them to roll over and beg, but such is life. Big deal. Beth didn't get her way. Meh. I was an insecure brat for a little bit. Big damn deal, right? Someone took that to heart. He should have just put me over his knee and spanked me.
My second life is very real to me. Second Life Beth is very real to me. She is me. What you get with Beth Macbain is me. But though it is really me, it's not my real life.

I never lose sight of that. While I blend the two very much, reality is reality. I'm not a delusional person. SL is an escape, but real life always takes precedence.

Real life is more important.

Daffodils are more important.

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