Monday, February 10, 2014

My Quandary

I'm finding myself at a bit of a loss these days as to what to do with this blog.

You see, life is pretty fucking sweet right now. And I can't really talk about it.
I have two amazing men in my life. Dude #1 has requested that I not blog about him. Dude #2 doesn't care if I blog about him, but the Dude #1 doesn't want to see #2 thrown in his face here for all the world to see.

I respect that, I really do. But I'm not used to having a gag order imposed on me and it's difficult because I want to share.
I've mentioned before, this blog is therapy for me. It's my way of unscrambling the mess in my brain. I can talk through things here... mostly to myself.

It's been suggested that I continue writing exactly what I want here... and just not publish it. The thing is, hitting the "publish" button is the final step in the journey. Being free and open enough to share my innermost thoughts, be they happy, brutal, erotic, goofy or whatever. And I love the feedback I get from people. I love hearing how others are going through the same types of journeys and can relate.
So, yeah, what to do?

The fact of the matter is that I am wildly in love with two men in Second Life. If this was the real world, I'm sure I'd have to be a bit more circumspect about it and how to make it work, but... that's part of the wonder of Second Life, isn't it? I can love two men, or two hundred men if I want.
Oh, lord... I can't even imagine that! I have my hands full... and mouth and other orifices... with these two terrific men. I'm sure there will be a time in the future where I have more lovers than just these two, but for right now, this is it for me. I think. Maybe.
Being loved by one man is incredible. Being loved by two? Wow.

I'm the luckiest girl in Second Life. This I know.
There will be mountains to climb and rivers of lava to jump over. One of my guys hates the other one's guts and I don't know that that will ever change. Trying to figure out what the right thing to do when I'm online with one and the other logs in is a challenge. It's not like we're one little happy family unit, but they both love me and I love them so we're figuring it out.
So, does this make me polyamorous? I guess it does. It's not something I set out to be... it just happened. We can't control who we love. I found myself absolutely unable to walk away from either of these men. It just isn't an option.

I can't say what's going to happen tomorrow, or next week, or next month. Things change so damn quickly in Second Life. In a way, that's exhilarating and fun. In other ways, it can be exhausting and scary.
I'm terrified that one, or both, of these men is going to wake up one day and realize that I'm not worth the hassle. I'm certainly nothing special. And I can be quite the pain in the ass.

Being a nurturer, it's imperative that I do everything I can to make absolutely certain that everyone in my life is happy and cared for. I'm feeling pretty stretched thin on that front right now, but pouring all of myself into two very different people like this is new to me. I'm learning... we're all learning. I make mistakes.
The best thing I can do when I make them is to just be as honest and open as I can when these mistakes happen. There are times when I don't want to log on because I don't know what to do when I do. This isn't necessarily a bad thing... it forces me to give some attention to my real life and that balance is important.

It's not because I want to be with one man more than the other... it's because I want so very badly to be with both and I don't know how to make that choice. Flip a coin? Hell if I know. Right now I'm sort of going by the whoever logs in first rule.
But that won't always work. These guys both give me very incredible, but very different things. There will be times when I need something that one of them gives me. And there will be times, I'm sure, that one of them will "need" me more than the other.

The thing I need to keep reminding myself is that these are both adults. Neither of them needs me to baby them. They're strong, amazing, independent men. It's arrogant for me to think either of them can't get along without me.
Crap, I meant for this post to be all about what to do with this blog. See? When my brain starts moving, there's just no stopping it!

I am, of course, open to advice and suggestions. I may not take any of them, but I'd certainly love to hear them!
In the meantime, enjoy these naked photos of me while I slip off for a vacation nap!

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