Sunday, February 16, 2014

Love, Love, Love...

 I love this man.
 I love this man.
I love this man.

Life is a funny old thing.

I used to think it wasn't really possible to love, and be in love, with more than one man.

And I've had that rug pulled right out from underneath me.

And the stupid thing? I am fully aware I'm capable of loving all these men...

But when it comes to the awareness that these men are also going to love other women?

I am a jealous twat.

And I know how hypocritical and selfish that is of me.

My ex-husband is going to be someone else's husband soon and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about that.

Logically, I know there is no right or wrong way to feel. It's like grieving... you can't tell anyone how to do it. Everyone deals in their own way.

Not that I'm grieving. Oh, maybe I am a bit.

1. Denial - No way he can love anyone as much as he loves me!
2. Anger - Fuck him for loving someone else as much as he loves me.
3. Bargaining - I'll love you to the moon and back if you'll love me, too.
4. Depression - I've caused this. I've fucked everything up and it's all my fault and I hate myself.
5. Acceptance - It is what it is. I love him. He loves me. We'll find our new reality.

Where am I in this process? Hovering somewhere between bargaining and depression, I think, but able to see acceptance on the horizon.

He's happy. He's as light-hearted as I've seen him in a very long time and it's wonderful. I love him enough to want him happy, with or without me.

He's also using arrogance as a shield and while I understand why, I don't especially like it. But I'm stubborn, as is he. I won't back down... and neither will he. In a way, it's sort of fun, seeing him full of himself and bantering with me. We're pretty damn good at it.

If you strip away everything else, strip away Second Life and all the inherent drama that goes with loving in SL, we're friends. And not just casual friends... like, BFF friends. The chunk of what makes us "us" and a part of each other is deep.

I need to put my trust in that. Have some faith in us. In him and in me.

And, yes, baby, I know I need to stop overthinking every damn thing, but it's what I do.

It's why I have this blog... so I can dissect and turn things over in my brain until I get it all straightened out in my head. It's my process so I can stay (fairly) sane.

He laughs because three months is my longest relationship in SL. That stings a bit... because I know I suck at relationships, but I'm trying. I'm really trying to make it all work.

To see my men happy. To see him happy. And to keep myself happy, too. That's a lot of happiness to try to take on my shoulders and it can be a pretty heavy burden.

Am I responsible for everyone else's happiness? No. I can't be, but I want to be. It makes me very happy to bring happiness to others. I want everyone I love to be filled with joy, always.

In the process I have to make sure that I don't lose myself and my own happiness in that.

I'm struggling to figure it all out. I don't want to lose him, or Hugh, or Mick. These three guys... god. What did I do to deserve these men? I'm nothing special. I'm just me.

I want... no, need... to embrace all three of them. Hold them close to my heart. Not just love them, nurture and care for them, too. Fill their needs. Put smiles on their faces and make their hearts sing, like they make mine.

I want to be everything to everyone and I know that isn't possible. Forget that there are only 24 hours in the day... and stupid alt notwithstanding, I'm only one person. I can't possibly be everything to all three of them.

But my nature is screaming at me to try to be. And not a single one of these amazing men want me to be everything to them. None of them expect me to be Wonder Woman and able to work miracles of time and space.

So why can't I let go and just accept that? Just love and enjoy the time I have with each of these men who are so darling and precious to me?

I want three left hands. And I want a ring on each of those hands. I want to be the world to each of these guys.

Selfish as fuck, right?

And, in a way, pretty selfless, too. I'm willing to devote myself 100% to each of these men. And by doing that, I'm going to wear myself out. 300% isn't possible.

And 33.3 % doesn't seem like enough.

How in every hell do I make this work? For them, for me?

And the thing is, none of them are asking me to figure it out. I've got three guys telling me to relax and enjoy the journey. So why can't I just do that?

I'll tell you why. I'm fucking terrified of losing any of them. Of dropping a ball somewhere and having one slip away. It absolutely shakes me to my core.

It makes me feel out of control... and I hate being out of control. I have control over everything in my real world. It's part of why I'm submissive... that's when I can let go of the control and just be.

But none of these men would enjoy it if I were a simpering submissive. And I can't be. RL Beth and SL Beth are the same there.

But I know... I know... that I have to let go of some of the control. Things are happening that are beyond what I can control. I have to accept that. I have to. 

I've got to shake it off. Enjoy the man I'm with when I'm with him. Love him all the time.

They're all three going to get sick of me reassuring them of my love all the freaking time. Why do I do that? Because what I tell them is what I want to hear, too. Need to hear.

Because when you strip it all away, I'm just a scared, vulnerable little girl.

And I'm paddling against the current and grasping at branches. I'm so in love it terrifies me.

And is exhilarating and wonderful, too.

I know this... I can't let any of them go. And I'm desperately hoping they feel the same.

And maybe that's all it has to be.

Love is love is love is love.

All you need is love.

2 comments:

  1. you just described almost every woman and man for that matter that has ever lived and breathed on this earth.

    including me....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *laughs* I'm not sure if I should be happy I'm not alone in this, or sad because we all put ourselves through this!

      Delete

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