Saturday, February 1, 2014

Letting Go

I'm ruled by my heart.

And that gets me in terrible amounts of trouble.

I did a very bad thing... I don't necessarily think it makes me a bad person, but it was a bad thing to do, indeed.
The thing is, I couldn't help myself.

I hurt someone... someone that is very dear to me, someone I love deeply. He doesn't believe that now, not for a second, and I can't blame him.
We tried... god, we tried to make it work. Ark is an amazing man. Just an incredible person. Every inch of him is simply wonderful.

But... there just wasn't enough time. And the time we did have left me with feelings of guilt... In my heart, I knew he needed to be someplace else. In the real world.

That was absolutely not my decision to make for him. But it was still there, hanging over us always.
And when we were apart? I longed for him... ached for him. And felt guilty for wanting him to push aside his real life needs to make time for me inworld.

The more alone I was, the lonelier I got. And this is my downfall.

I have so much love to give... I'm a nurturer. It feeds my soul to give myself to someone.

And someone else came along.

I tried to do the right thing, but I couldn't. I guess that makes me a very weak girl indeed.

At first, I was completely honest with Ark. I told him about this new person that had come into my world. And as was his right as my husband, he told me I had to make a choice.
I wanted to do what he asked... I wanted to make him my choice. And I did. I chose my husband and blocked my new friend.

I failed. I failed Ark in the most devastating way.

I justified what I did in my mind. Twisted it to make it okay.

You see, I created an alt.

Yet another Beth.
In my head, I can separate Beth Macbain from real life Beth. So I thought I could also separate Beth Macbain and the new alt Beth. Beth Macbain (Faulkner) would belong to my husband, to Ark. When he was able to be online, I'd be online with him, only with him, loving only him.

And when he wasn't online, I'd be the other Beth... belonging to someone else.

How very foolish and stupid of me.

I've always prided myself on being me... On not having an alt. Just being who I am.

Living a double life lasted mere days. Ark knew something... suddenly I had decided I needed to be on SL less and less. He knew. He knew and I was stupid.

He began asking me very pointed questions... and I just couldn't lie to him. And lost him.

He despises me, and I can't blame him for that.

I'm moving on, but I hate that I lost his friendship... his trust. I made promises to him that I couldn't keep. I lied.

I completely failed this wonderful man.

People are all very different. Some people don't believe you can love more than one person at the same time.

That just doesn't hold true for me. I have so much to give... so damn much.

I don't believe I'm poly... but I love Ark, and I'm developing very deep intense feelings for my new friend.

This happened to me before... with Rob, early into our relationship. Someone else came along and I fell in love... and broke up with Rob, briefly, to be with someone else and it was a disaster.

I guess with each new chapter, I'm growing and learning more about myself. I can love two men. Can I make it work with two different men at once? I don't think so, no.

I know beyond a doubt that Ark isn't a man that will accept less than all of me... and I just don't have that to give.

A part of me is a little bitter about that... he loves two women. Many, many people in SL have wonderful relationships in Second Life... and love their real life partners outside of SL and would never dream of doing anything to harm that. They make it work somehow, loving two people.

I'm single in the real world. So why can't I have my two loves, too?

But I know that's very selfish of me.
So I've lost one, and am moving forward with the other. I'm conflicted because I'm very happy with my new guy. At the same time, I'm absolutely devastated by the loss of Ark. And I'm crushed that I hurt him so badly.

He doesn't believe I love him, but I do. And a part of me always will. I will never forget our beautiful times... I'll never forget this beautiful young man. He will always, always have a home in my heart.

I'm sorry, baby. I failed you. On the most basic level, I failed you. I'm so, so sorry.

I love you.

4 comments:

  1. Don't beat yourself up, Beth.
    With all due respect; Ark can't expect you to be there for him 100% when he (for absolute valid reasons) can't be there for you 100%. As much as you love him, IMHO, this just wasn't a match made in heaven...

    ReplyDelete
  2. First I'd like to offer you (virtual) hugs. I'm sorry for your pain, and for Ark's, because I don't doubt he's hurting as well. I can only hope and pray that you both find some kind of reconciliation or resolution and eventually be friends.

    Second, I also understand your need to love fully, and your ability to love more than one person. Like you, I'm single in RL. Like you, I feel deeply loving and in love with more than one person in SL.

    May I offer this suggestion? Be very, very up front about how you feel. That loving one person is not, to you, something that prevents you from loving others as well. That you have so much love to give, so much caring in your soul that you *need* your lovers (in the truest sense of the word, people you LOVE) to understand and accept that you can and DO love more than one man. This I have done with each of the two people I love so very, very much. There would have been a third person, but she is the "one and one only" type of person, and I would no more insist she change for me than I will change for her.

    There will be men who cannot accept that, and it will be painful to have to let them go. But this is your nature, and you need to be true to yourself before all else.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Riannon. This has been very hard and I'm coming to accept some truths about myself... and polyamory.

      This isn't the end of the book... just the final words of a chapter. :-)

      Delete
  3. You Rock ! What an articulate insightful share. Very brave too. You posed some good questions and points and sound very considerate. I'm sorry you suffered for it that's bs. I don't think you failed, you sailed! Love doesn't keep hostages, like us people seem to. I think you should have halve a dozen lovers and not answer anyone .tell um man up!

    ReplyDelete

Recent Posts