Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Collateral Damage

I absolutely despise seeing anyone hurt.

It's especially egregious when I know that my actions have caused someone pain.

Living and loving... either in Second Life or real life... comes with drama and damages. That's just the way it is. We're stumbling through life, learning as we go, and mistakes happen.
I fell in love.

And then I fell in love again.

It happened very fast both times... It's always fast with me. When I see something in someone, when I make a connection, my heart opens. That's me. The world has enough ugliness and hatred. When I love, I show it. I don't hold back.
Falling in love again doesn't mean that I stopped loving the first person. Love doesn't work that way. I don't have a limited supply of love. My heart grows and expands every single second and it's a wonderful thing!

In real life and Second Life, I've been hurt before. I'm certain we all have. Loves and lovers have come in and out of my life. I still love them all.
I have a newspaper clipping from when I was 2 years old. It's a picture of me on a beach with a little boy about my age and we're building a sandcastle together. It's quite obvious in the photo that I'm smitten with him. I never saw him again after that, but I have that clipping. My first boyfriend. That little dude still has a place in my heart.
As does Shawn from the second grade. Davey, grade six. Jeff, grade 10. Mark, Brandon, Corey. Keith, the one who snatched my virginity after senior prom. Matt... sweet wonderful Matt. Dale, Tad, John.

Yes, Rob, too.
I still love all these guys. Some of them just faded out of my life... some, I left behind. Some hurt me badly. Doesn't matter... love is love. It doesn't turn off and on like a faucet.

As you know, I did a stupid thing a couple of weeks ago by creating an alt. I lost my husband over that. I hurt him... his anger was deep and seething and I absolutely deserved it.
But you know what? I didn't stop loving him and he didn't stop loving me.

And just because he didn't stop loving me doesn't mean that there aren't other people in his life that he cares deeply about. Loving me doesn't mean he can't share his heart with others, too.

Someone is in pain right now. An innocent bystander that got swept into the maelstrom of my life.
I'm absolutely gutted over this. It's someone that I don't know well... but what I do know is that she is a truly lovely person. I would never, ever intentionally set about hurting her, and neither would my ex.

I wish I knew what I could say or do to help her understand that he very, very much wants her in his world. Should I try talking to her, or would that just make it worse? It's not like either of them need my permission or blessing to care about each other. Whatever is between them has nothing to do with me. It's a separate thing, just like my relationship with my other love is completely separate.
She's reading this... I know she is. So this is for you. I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry. I never meant to cause pain for anyone. If you'd like to talk, you know how to find me. Anything you need to know, anything you need to ask. I get that you despise me, and you don't understand my actions... and you don't understand how he could still love me knowing what he knows.
Your relationship with him is none of my business, but I do know that he doesn't want to lose you.

This is Second Life, where nothing is impossible and the possibilities are endless. It involves stepping outside your comfort zone sometimes, yes... but, wow... once you do, amazing things can happen.

He is worth it... and so are you.

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