Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Living In Hell

I've long suspected that we Second Lifers all have some... thing... we're dealing with in RL that we can escape in SL.

For me, that thing is depression.

It's something I've struggled with all my life, as far back as I can remember. I wasn't the happiest child.

I very much lived a half life until my mid-thirties, just excusing my depression as being who I am. My natural state was to be unhappy and wish I could stop existing.

My wonderful parents finally... finally... forced me to get help when I was 35. They had suggested it for years and I fought it tooth and nail. I'm not sure what was different when I was 35 that made me accept the help. I think I was just desperate to feel something... anything... different.

Suicide for me has always been out of the question but not due to lack of desire. My oldest brother killed himself when I was ten and I saw how it destroyed my parents. I loved them too much to ever put them through that kind of pain again. Sometimes that was the only thing that kept me from killing myself.

Anyway, at 35, I got help and luckily responded extremely well to medication. Even now, it's hard for me to explain the differences in me before, and after, drugs. It wasn't a magic cure-all. It just... I don't know... made everything feel less heavy. I could deal with things. Face things head on instead of hiding, hoping the problems would go away while instead they magnified. I could enjoy the little things and just be happy with myself and my surroundings.

In the 9 years I've been on medication, I've only had to change once. The first thing that worked so well gradually stopped working. I could sense something was wrong, and so could the people around me. I've always been very open about my depression and the fact that I take medication.

There is no shame in it. Depression is an illness. You can't will it away or shake it off. It's real and sometimes, for some people, the chemicals in our brains just won't level out correctly and need adjustment. I'm not situationally depressed. It's not bad things happening to me. It's my brain.

And, oh, how my brain can lie to me.

Just like it's doing now. I'm in a dark spiral right now. Everything is awful. It's heavy and dark and bleak and hopeless. And I know... damn it, I know... that it's not real. Because I know my brain is lying to me, I can argue with myself and tell myself I'm worth something and that I have a good life... but, damn, my brain is fighting that reality awfully hard right now.

I have a couple options... One, I can ride it out. I know that eventually, my brain will stop being such a bitch and one morning I will wake up and be able to appreciate the smell of coffee, the taste of food, the love of my family, the satisfaction of my job, the companionship of friends... just being able to breath.

Or, I can go to my doctor and change medications again. And I'm going to be honest... I'm tired. I don't want to. It's too fucking much trouble because right now, my brain is winning the battle and I hate everything about myself and just want to stop being. And there is a fear of whatever I'm changed to not working. As long as it's still an unknown, I have something to grasp at in case the darkness becomes too unbearable.

Every moment right now is an exhausting fight with myself and it would just be so much easier to let the depression win. I want to give up and let it overtake me. I feel very much like I was just never supposed to be... like this entire life has just been one huge mistake that should have never been. I've nothing to offer... I'm just flesh and bones taking up space on an already overcrowded planet. I just should have never been and I want very much to not exist.

I can't... I know that. My father is still alive and depends on me... Not because I'm anything special, but because I'm the old maid daughter... the only one of the kids without a family of my own so it's less of an imposition to call on me when he needs something. I love him. As long as he's around, I'll be around.

But the thought is there... he's 84. He won't last many more years and when he's gone, there will be no reason to keep up the fight.

It's hell. If you feel the darkness overtaking you, get help. I can't right now. I just can't. But for yourself and those around you, seek help.

1 comment:

  1. Beth I know what its like as with you it was at school it started, with puberty I ballooned, I ate because I was depressed and depressed because I ate. Also I was bullied at my senior school; not by a fellow pupil, but by a master! oh nothing physical, just verbal. A continual barrage of insults from the start of his lesson through to the end. (I forgive most people, but I hope he died in agony and it lasted years!)
    By the time I left school I had lost all sense of self esteem and self worth and that carries on right through to present day.
    But the advice given to me was "pull yourself together!" "don't be so stupid!" "there's nothing wrong with you!"
    So I never took any medication for it but I have learned to live around it. At times I have thought which would be easier or less painful... rope, pills, et al
    I talk as you know and sometimes making little sense I admit but it keeps me sane.
    I am always there if you want to chat (it helps)

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