Saturday, October 12, 2013

Making Amends

If I've learned anything over the past couple of weeks, it's that when you show someone respect, you deserve that respect in return.

While I was in my failed relationship, I behaved very badly towards a couple of people who hadn't done a damn thing to me. One, I'd never even met.

The other is someone I fell in love with and abruptly cut out of my life when the dude and I got back together. I'm not saying I'm wrong for going back to the dude... I was in love with him and you have to follow your heart.

But I did handle things very poorly, very cowardly. I didn't show him the respect of talking to him, same as the dude just did to me. I broke up in a notecard. I treated someone as callously as the dude just did to me. I certainly didn't deserve and neither did this guy I did it to.

So anyway, I've reached out to both these people to apologize. The first one... the one I've never even met... I've sent her an IM. She hasn't answered yet but I also don't think she's been online since I sent it. Even if she has, she doesn't owe me a response. But I had to try and I absolutely owed her an apology.

The other one did respond and I just got off the phone with him after a long conversation. Is anything going to happen there? I don't know. We've both been through a lot and have been pretty shattered.

I know that right now, I'm still raw and hurting. It's better, yes. Much better, but the sting is still there. I do not want to get involved in something else with anyone right now where I'm going to find myself comparing him to the dude, and right now, that's exactly what would happened if I jumped into another relationship.

That wouldn't be fair to either of us. I can't let myself think I'm in love with someone just because they treat me better than the last guy. That's not appreciating and loving someone for who they are... it's loving and appreciating them for who they're not. I'd be selling myself short by doing that... and more importantly, I'd be selling the other person short, too.

What I won't do is close myself off from the possibilities. SL Beth and RL Beth share a heart. When I love someone, I love them. And I love very easily. I like seeing the best in people... we are all unique. We all have our oddities and quirks and differences but that's a wonderful thing. It's how we grow... we learn from others who are different than us. It expands our world... It's humanity at its best and I love it.

I got my heart broken, yes. But it's been broken before and each time, even though my first instinct is to close myself off, I let myself live again and willingly and openly share my heart with others. There are some who will take advantage of that, I know. And I'll be hurt again.

But... that's who I am. I love. And I'd rather have my heart shattered a million times than let myself become cold and callous and shut myself off from joy.

And ounce of joy is worth far more than a million gallons of heartbreak.

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