Sunday, October 6, 2013

Is It All A Game?

There is a constant discussion on or about Second Life... is it a game, or is it something different?

Everyone is free to make their Second Life exactly what they want it to be... and it's very much different things for different people.

It's not a game to me. I'm a real live human being and that is reflected in my avatar. I'm not playing a neko, a vampire, a werewolf, a horse or whatever. I'm just me.

The people that I grow close to in SL, I consider my friends in-world and out. If I'd do something for someone in SL, I'd do it in RL, too.

I have a big, gooey heart. I love deeply... not just in a romantic way. I genuinely care for people. And while I don't care for people in hopes that I get something from them in return, it's still nice when people show a little compassion and respect back.

There are selfish people everywhere. God, I see the very worst of humanity every single day where I work. I also see the best, so it sort of balances out, but... geez, I see babies with cigarette burns and bruises and broken limbs, all inflicted at the hands of the very people who are supposed to care for them.

As I've said, I generally keep most people at arm's length. That doesn't mean I don't care deeply... I just try hard not to let them get too close. So when I do let someone in, it's all the more devastating when they hurt me.

It's no different in Second Life. I've flitted around for five years not making attachments. I made one, though.

And it's a game to that person. And it's not a game to me.

Where do the two meet? Should a non-game player expect a game-player to let their humanity in a bit and show some compassion? I don't know. I really don't. Each person makes their own SL. Is it fair for me to expect someone to make any sort of change to what their SL is?

It's a conundrum. I would expect people to not do things that intentionally hurt anyone. That's just... being a fucking human. Maybe I expect too much from people.

All I know is that right now, SL isn't a lot of fun for me. For the game-players among us, that means it's time to step away from SL for a while. For me... I just don't know. I get something from Second Life. I hate to give that all up, but... I don't know. I'm just trying to ride out the storm. I have good days, and then really painful moments. I can be having a great time, then something happens that just knocks my world off track.

I guess all I can saying is that I'm trying. Trying what, I'm not exactly sure... Just trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Try to make myself into more of a game-player, perhaps. God, that sounds so ugly. I avoid game-players in RL. I'll never be one. I can't toy with people's feelings like that. It's just not who I am. I have to be able to look myself in the mirror.

But should I look down on people who do use SL as a game? It's hard not to be judgmental and expect people to act how you want them to act. And I absolutely understand that it's wrong to do that.

I over think things. I know I do. I'm a cerebral gal. A lot of what happens, happens in my head. At 44, I don't really expect that to change.

But it would be nice if some people would meet me halfway. Is the only other option to cut them completely out of my life? My SL?

Damn... I don't want to do that. I really don't. And it's very hard to do in SL because there are about a billion ways to look and see what other's are doing. I'm strong as fuck, but weak when it comes to eliminating things that hurt me, but that I still love.

I also know that it's entirely possible I'm reading WAY more into the situation. That's one of the pitfalls of being a cerebral person... the tendency to let your brain and heart override common sense.

I'm complicated. I'm awesome as shit, but complicated.

Hey... if I'm expected to accept other people for who they are, shouldn't I expect the people in my world to accept me for the complicated gal I am, too? Even the game-players?

Nobody likes or loves every single thing about another person... but sometimes don't we have to overlook those flaws and just love the person for everything they are, the good and bad?

I'm seeing a lot of things in someone right now that I don't like... but I can't stop loving that person despite them all. And wanting to be part of that person's life, and hoping that they let me be part of theirs. Maybe he doesn't want me to be... maybe this is all his way of driving me away. Trying to do things that he knows will push me into walking away and not looking back.

Crap... there I go getting inside my head again. Should I just ask? I'm terrified of what the answer would be right now because I'm pretty convinced that's what he wants. If I love him, shouldn't I be able to just give him that? For his happiness? I guess it would help, even though it would absolutely kill me, if I knew for certain that's what he wanted.

After all this word salad, I still have absolutely no idea what I'm supposed to do. What I want to do. What I should do.


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