Sunday, October 6, 2013

Enlightenment... Cue the Victorious Music!

You know, I used to be a game player in Second Life.

I went five years without forming any bonds. I'm not different from anyone else... and you know who you are!

Until I met the dude, I was playing my own game... Second Life, my way. Of course, I was a bit more upfront about it... maybe. It said right on my profile I wasn't looking for a relationship... just an hour or two. And I meant it. I got bored SO quickly with men... felt so tied down. The constant IMs, the constant desire to be by my side when I just wanted to play... or shop... or whatever I was doing at the time.

Why on earth did that change when I met the dude? What made him different from the other guys? I met him and cleared out my friend's list of all those other guys. Changed my profile to be a girl in love.

That's not who I was when I met him. He loved how brash and brassy I was. I was a player just like he was and we fit together in that way.

I'm not going to take all the credit for changing all the rules... I mean, yeah, I'm the one who changed my profile and wanted to be in a relationship, not him. Though it was less than 24 hours before the two of us were exchanging the big L word. We both fell down the rabbit hole... I just stayed down there.

SL is certainly more than just a game to me in certain way. I guess I understand a little more that there are real people behind the avatars and it's possible to hurt them, or get hurt by them, hence my being very upfront about not wanting more than a couple hours of their time. Hell, I even belonged to groups that were solely in existence for partnered men to cheat. I enjoyed playing the role of the other woman, using men to get my kicks and sending them back to their significant others.

It was empowering to be a wanton woman like that. I liked me, I was having fun and I wasn't hurting anyone. And I wasn't getting hurt. I was in control, completely, and then there was this guy that I just fell for like a silly school girl. Maybe it was because he told me up front that SL and RL were separate.

I, being the ballsy brash girl I am, took that as a challenge of sorts. Another part of the game, perhaps? I'd never done the relationship thing in SL... never. My previous longest relationship was maybe a month, and even at that, I was the hidden other woman.

I was the dirty little secret and I loved it!

I think I'm going to try taking a couple days away from SL and focusing on remembering how fun that was... being that girl. Playing the game. Shutting it off when I shut off SL.

Perhaps I can come back and be a dirty little secret again. His, someone else's, everyone's... who knows? That's up to me, right? To define things in my own way? Get back to the reasons I joined SL in the first place... to play the naughty little vixen.

My RL is plenty full. It's good. If I'm using SL to fill an emotional void, I need to deal with that in the real world, NOT in SL. And use SL as it's meant to be... a fun escape and a place to be the things you can't in the real world.

We'll see how it goes!

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