Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Acceptance... and Love

The Five Stages of Grief
  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression
  • Acceptance
Been there now... seen them all. The end of a relationship is very much like a death. First came denial... I honestly didn't see our breakup coming. Yeah, we were seeing things differently, but we'd made promises. I couldn't believe he was going to toss me aside. I was pretty blind-sided. Then was the anger... that dirty bastard, playing his little game. How fucking dare he? Bargaining... ah, that was a rough one. I tried... oh, how I tried. I can't even believe the lengths I was willing to go to keep him. Part of me is ashamed at what I offered him... I was willing to leave SL for a couple of months while he got this new chick out of his system and then come back to him.

*sigh*

Then came the biggie... the depression. That set in after I saw her picture on his profile... the very thing he'd refused to do for me. That hurt like a bitch and I sank deep into sadness. I was devastated.

Now... now comes the acceptance. It's over. Done. That phase of my second life is gone. There is nothing that can be done at this point. It just... it is what it is.

Along with that, though, is something else for me.

Accepting that I still love him and that a part of me always will. It's nothing unique to him... it's about me. Every man that I've ever loved keeps a little piece of my heart (accept the one who hurt me physically, but that's a story for a different day). I won't deny or be ashamed of that. There was something in him that was potent and spoke to my soul. Whether it was fake or if I was seeing glimpses of the real man... that doesn't matter at this point. There was something that I loved and something I will always love.

In love with him? No. That's something very different and he killed that. He's not a bad guy... just misguided. Like everyone else, he's searching for something in Second Life. It turned out to be something different than what I was looking for, I think. That's something I still don't know... when it was good, it was very good. When it was bad, it was awful.

But, yeah... I still love him. He was important to me for a long time (three months in SL is like three years in RL).

I won't pretend it didn't happen and I won't close of my heart... to him, or anyone else. That's just who I am.

I love him.

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